In a decision that has shaken the moral foundation of the pageant industry, Tara Conner has confessed to sampling alcoholic beverages, marijuana, cocaine, an exotic form of peyote, and everyone she has ever met. Greeting reporters with a tearful announcement, Ms. Conner apologized to the Miss America Pageant, which has relied on solid family values (such as poise and sheen) since its loyal corporate sponsor, Durex, covered their first live performance 85 years ago.
As a result, more than two dozen foreign countries have expressed a profound drop in ratings of their own annual pageants. Former Ms? Austria, Romy Von Stroheim, admited to reporters that (s)he ran into Tara at a clinic. Having just arrived (to treat an addiction to anabolic steroids) Von Stroheim noticed Tara trying to check out of rehab.
Concerned, M(r)(s) Von Stroheim asked her “are you Tara Conner?” several times (among national pageant winners, names are exchanged as often as they are forgotten). Mistaking Von Stroheim for Arnold Schwarzenegger (in The Terminator), Ms. Conner fled the premises in terror. She is rumored, however, to be recovering well in the Trump Plaza hotel, doing everything and everyone in sight.
Ms? Austria 1998, Romy Von Stroheim
