Desperate Man Seeks New Adjectives To Depict Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models

For the past twenty years, Frank Carbone has kept close track of Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit edition–so close, in fact, that photographers from SI have issued at least four restraining orders against him in the last year alone. Carbone never travels with photographic equipment of his own, carrying only a pen and a pad of paper. “With these tools,” he insists, holding them aloft, high above his head, “I can coin new words to describe their Venusian bodies!”

It all started in the spring of 1982, when Carbone bought his first swimsuit edition. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” the close-talking voyeur said, “I took one look at Carol Alt, and thought–bing!–’Alt-imate’! And from that moment on, all sorts of words started occurring to me.” Many of these words Carbone began pronouncing in public…to the dismay of law-abiding, tactful citizens. By the late-1980’s, he began noticing his image on telephone poles and syndicated episodes of Court TV.

Oluchi Onweagba has filed a half a dozen pre-emptive restraining orders against Mr. Carbone.

In the last few years, Carbone has described various models as “Klumtastic,” (Heidi Klum), “Petra-fying” (Petra Nemcova), and “Mazz-nafique!” (Valeria Mazza), but this year, for unknown reasons no one wants to make known, he can not express his sense of perverse rapture in words.

“Beyonce Knowles–the name baffles me. I’ve tried everything: ‘KNol-es Contendere’–nope, too highbrow. Or what about: ‘Oluchi Onweagba’? Ouch! I get a migraine just thinking about it.”

At this point in the interview, Carbone has begun thwacking himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand. Wary for our safety and implication in the desperate life of a diva-stalker, our reporters quietly slip away from the scene.

Romney Promises New Wing To House First Ladies

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, flanked by one of dozens of aspiring First Ladies.

SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney has been dogged by reporters and media pundits, all of whom excoriate the 2008 Presidential candidate for his checkered polygamous past. In order to dispel these rumors, Romney delivered a press conference on the steps of the Salt Lake City courthouse. Flanked by half a dozen wives on his left and half a dozen on his right, Romney defended himself against charges of immoral conduct:”I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” Romney said, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, “at least not outside of wedlock. Or that woman…or that one…or that one, either.”

Having lost track of the names of his various wives, Romney has recently started to number them.

When pressured to respond to how he intended to become elected to the White House with multiple first ladies, Romney replied graciously, “I will built a new First Ladies Wing, and provide all spouses with room and board, three square meals a day, and the occasional conjugal visit.”

Romney has made great strides with the Christian Coalition, building common ground with leaders like Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed. “We all agree that when it comes to divorce, our nation has reached a point of critical mass. Which is why banning divorce altogether and promoting abstinence in its place is the best solution…and, barring that, endorsing multiple unions in patriarchal families is the second best solution.”

Prince Harry Deployed Just in Time For British Withdrawal

Prince Harry checks his rear-view mirror for an exit strategy.

He has been deployed at one of the most significant points in the Iraq War. A symbolic figurehead in a symbolic empire, Prince Harry (who, in recent years, has adopted a Shakespearean alias, “Prince Hal”) has proudly volunteered to lead his people neither to victory nor defeat…but to withdrawal from Iraq.

“Hal has always been non-committal when it comes to serious decisions in his life,” royal spokesman Nigel Hathorne-Dippinger claims, “relationships, University, wearing inappropriate Nazi regalia at Halloween parties…he’s never been content to think things through but always determined to pull out of a bad situation. So, naturally, this War was a perfect fit for him: a war effort…minus the effort.”