Gonzales Dismisses Wife, Reappoints New Children

27 03 2007

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Attorney General Alberto Gonzales bids a brusque farewell to his second wife, Rebecca Turner, and embraces his newly appointed son, Franz.

WASHINGTON: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has been criticized for erratic and evasive behavior. After firing eight prominent Federal U.S. attorneys, Gonzales held a brief press conference to dispel false rumors; he claimed that all eight had retired voluntarily without any pressure from him personally: “if you mean my office coerced them, well then, sure, but where was I? Was I in the office? And was this before or after I had the office dismissed?” At this point, Gonzales looked slightly confused, dove through a hole in crowd of reporters, and disappeared (a witness would later report that he descended a fire escape outside the building and leaped into an unmarked vehicle).

In an even more bizarre turn of events, Gonzales has begun to dismiss members of his own family, starting with his second wife, Rebecca Turner, and their three beautiful–but politically misaligned–children: David, Yvette, and Lola. Allegedly, the family was devastated by their sudden, unannounced release. “I always knew that Al considered me a disappointment,” Ms. Turner said, “but this is ridiculous.”

Gonzales pulled another fast one this afternoon when he appeared in front of a Congressional sub-committee to account for his recent mis-conduct; before Senators could pose a single question, the Attorney General stood up and proudly announced his newly-appointed son, Franz, to the assembled crowd.

Infuriated, Sen. Arlen Specter demanded that he address the situation at hand, to which Gonzales threatened (again) to suspend habeas corpus and arrest him; when Specter reminded him that the constitution did not provide him with this authority, Gonzales pled the fifth then fled from the room.

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Franz would later discover that his father’s plane ticket receipt did not include a shared destination to Disney Land.

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