Elizabeth Edwards calls Ann Coulter

Elizabeth Edwards calls Ann Coulter

World Bank President Promotes Girlfriend, Eva Braun

Herr Zoellick, newly appointed President of the World Bank, basks with Ms. Braun in the warm afterglow of promotion.

$240 worth of pudding

$240 worth of pudding

Cheney Insists “I Did Not Order the Code Red”

Vice President Dick Cheney and Sen. Henry Waxman (CA.) have recently become enmeshed in a classified oversight battle so fierce that it can only be executed–then shredded–on paper.

Although no records could be recovered from the Office of ______ _______ National ________, one of our reporters managed to retrieve the following, Oscar-worthy performance:

WAXMAN: I question both the legality and wisdom of your actions.

CHENEY (scoffs): You question?

WAXMAN: Yes, sir-I’m entitled to my q–

CHENEY: I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it!

WAXMAN: I wasn’t suggesting that you tucked me in, sir.

CHENEY: We use words like terror…freedom…W. We use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. That’s right: something. You use ‘em as a punchline.

WAXMAN: Well, with all due respect…your decision to exempt your office from the president’s order is problematic because it could place national security at risk.

CHENEY: Security? The truth is, in some little secure place you don’t like to admit, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.

WAXMAN: Wall? Who said anything about a wall?

CHENEY: Exactly.

WAXMAN: Excuse me?

CHENEY: No wall. No code red, either. Never ordered one. Classified by the Office of _ _ N_.

WAXMAN: Did you just censor an acronym?

CHENEY: I did the job you sent me to do.

WAXMAN: Did you order the code red?

CHENEY: You’re g_ _ dam right I did!

 

 

 

 

Starbucks Unveils Cure to Constipation

Health experts have recently discovered that dark, thick coffee provides relief from gout, liver cancer, and tuberculosis–three of the most deadly diseases of the late 19th century. Capitalizing on these health benefits, Starbucks has now unveiled “The Procto-cino,” a concoction so potent in fiber that it cures constipation within 30 minutes or less.

Starbucks’ Procto-cino provides not one, not two, but THREE scoops o’ colon-cleansin’ beans in every cup.

Sean Connery Mix: Jeopardy

SNL- Sean Connery Mix

Cellmate Struggles With Nickname for Scooter Libby

Ron “Rosy” Palmer, future cellmate of Lewis “Scooter” Libby, has recently come to an impasse. Palmer, who was convicted of assaulting a Florida voting booth during the 2000 election, has resided in McClelland Federal Penitentiary ever since. In lieu of attacking stationary objects, Palmer now finds solace in taunting fellow inmates with humiliating labels.

Until recently, that is…he now faces the daunting prospect of devising a nasty nickname, epithet, or catchphrase for Libby. “I’ve racked my brain over this one,” he says, “and believe me: I’ve tried them all out on the other guys, but nothing quite fits:

‘Who’s Yo’ Libby?’

‘Boot Scooter Boogie.’

‘I Got Yer Press Conference: right here.’

‘The Ol’ Ball & Cheney.”

‘Hey, Lewis (Caroll): Eat Me, B*tch!’”

Please post any other inappropriate nicknames you’d like to add here…

Jack Kevorkian Makes Fortuitous Appearance to Entire Cast of “60 Minutes”

With combined experience of over 800 years in network television, the cast of “60 minutes” boasts a resume of Methuselahian proportions. So it came as no surprise when Jack Kevorkian (a.k.a. “Dr. Death”) decided to make a surprise visit to all six hosts at the same time.

Released early from prison this past week, Kevorkian promised never to perform an assisted suicide on another patient. However, after enduring three consecutive seasons of poor ratings during the show’s Sunday night time slot, CBS executives have decided to enlist Kevorkian to “trim the wrinkles.” At first, Kevorkian misunderstood the offer, mistaking the strange expression for a seductive prison taunt.

Most cast members have not been available for comment. But allegedly, Mike Wallace has made vacation plans and Andy Rooney keeps hearing “an incessant ticking sound” in his office: “Under the floorboards! There–the last faint beats of my fragile heart!” A production assistant, however, reported that the sound was actually the show’s familiar trademark stopwatch.

Super Karate Monkey Death Car (from News Radio)

Super Karate Monkey Death Car

hilarious–lost in translation.

Terrorists Lay Down All Arms Until Timetable Set

In a landmark decision, a broad coalition of insurgent groups in the Middle East has agreed to lay down all arms against any–and all–enemies until American lawmakers set a fixed timetable for troop withdrawal. As soon as such a date has been clearly determined, terrorists will resume attacks on occupying forces in an organized, efficient manner.

Confirming the President’s predictions, this broad coalition of Sunni, Shiite, Kurdish, Iranian, and Al Qaidish militant factions, has renounced all forms of violence, including suicide bombings, IED’s, artillery fire, and booby traps.

Formerly incapable of organizing, terrorists now exhibit remarkable communication and gathering skills.

Naji Rashid, a registered terrorist, cites practical reasons for the change: “I’m a 9-to-5 guy. When somebody says, ‘Naji: blow up this bridge,’ I have to clear my schedule first, cancel appointments, drop the kids off at school…without a clear idea of exactly when American forces pull out of here, believe me: I’m not bombing anyone.”

Critics claim that elaborate planning would only ruin the element of surprise, that certain “je ne sais quoi” that lends terrorism its frightening appeal. “Not so,” Rashid claims, “I have full health, 401K. Two more years and I’m vested in this organization. You think I’m going to exchange that for rampant destruction and chaos?”