Bush Seeks New Image For Global Warming

Will Ferrell as Dubya on Global Warming

O’Reilly Samples Food in “Colored Restaurant”

HARLEM:

Priding itself on modest decorum and understated charm, Sylvia’s is situated as a premier restaurant in Harlem…until yesterday…when Bill O’Reilly, host of the Fox News Channel, dropped by to “sample food among the colored peoples.”

“It was like going into a wop restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering, having fun, and not shooting one another,” Mr. O’Reilly raved on his nationally syndicated radio talk show, “Not once did I have to smoke dope, dance, or talk jive. These colored people,” he sighed, “they sure know how to cook, don’t they?”

The Rev. Al Sharpton, who accompanied O’Reilly to lunch last Wednesday, admits that O’Reilly kept pointing his finger at him during the appetizer and addressing him as “you people” during desert. “Had there’ve been a news crew in sight,” Sharpton claims, “I would’ve knocked him upside his splotchy-a*s head.”

Bush and Cheney as the Dukes of Hazzard (Patton Oswalt)

“The Chia Spect”

 

The Chia Spect requires only bread, water, and monthly prunings. This handmade decorative planter fits well into any penitentiary or asylum, provided it has a limited light source. Act now and you’ll receive a free ornamental “shiv.”

French Arrest 3 in Terrorist Mime Plot

PARIS: Sept. 5-The French police have arrested three mimes suspected of organizing large-scale terrorist attacks against several outdoor cafes frequented by American tourists. Those arrested were allegedly in the process of plotting bomb attacks using a series of elaborate hand gestures, sly bodily contortions, and suggestive facial expressions.

“They were directly involved in planning out a full-scale attack,” French federal prosecutor Etienne Legrand-Douche claimed at a news conference. “For six months, we tracked them down, from one secret terrorist cell to another.” Legrand-Douche admits that the suspects were especially adept at eluding authorities by “walking against the wind” and hiding in a series of imaginary enclosed boxes.

A Mime, linked to Al Queda, plots revenge on our God-given freedoms

Eventually, however, they trailed the mimes to an invisible safe house at the Place de la Montmartre—an ideal hiding spot for bohemian performance artists. It was there that the French police discovered a troupe of mimes gesticulating in a manner “consistent with a cauldron filled with toxic chemicals.”

“Had the mimes continued to gesticulate,” Legrand-Douche asserts, “there is no telling how terrible this attack might have been.”

Bush Deploys “A-Team”

Yesterday’s visit was the president’s third to Iraq, but the importance he attached to it was underlined by the seniority of his entourage. “I brought out the A-team,” Mr Bush joked to the marines.

–Suzanne Goldenberg, “The Guardian” (Sept. 4)

Thirty-five years ago, in 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to Guantammo Prison by a military tribunal for a crime they didn’t commit: extreme rendition. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade and traveled (by raft) back into America. Today, still wanted by the government, they have been hired as soldiers of fortune (with no-bid contracts). If you have a problem, one that requires corporate-sponsored paramilitary operations, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…the A Team.

A-TEAM