District Mime:

Area White Man Foiled by Muse of Dance, Again

Wilt Brindleson, tireless efforts and chipper demeanor notwithstanding, simply has no rhythm.

Survivor Claims In-Flight Service “Totally Sucked Ass”

Yesterday, every passenger and crew member on board U.S. Airways Flight 1549 was rescued and returned home in healthy condition…except Paul Witherstone, who found the in-flight meal “soggy as a six-month old’s diaper. It totally sucked ass.”

After ferries escorted him back to shore, Mr. Witherstone joined other survivors at the Ritz Carlton in mid-town Manhattan–all expenses paid by US Air. Relaxing in the lounge, he only picked at his foie gras and ogled the haricots verts.

“It’s the least they can do,” he sighed “especially after that godawful tugboat ride to the hellhole those grubby rescue workers took me to,” he said, “shelter food? Are you kidding me? After that airline service?”

Rod Blagojevich Offers To Sell Bleeping Governor’s Seat

Responding to recent allegations that he offered to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat to the highest bidder, Blagojevich responded by upping the ante and offered to throw in his own soon-to-be-vacated Governor’s Seat. No one, however, has stepped forward yet to make him an offer.

“It’s a bleeping valuable thing! You just don’t give it away for nothing…you gotta pay to play. It’s bleeping mahogany.”

Putin Denies Yanking North Korean Diplomat’s Red Belt

Sequel Fails to Ressurect Bernie…and Andrew McCarthy’s Career

McCain Kills McAbel

McCain (left) gave McAbel (right) the smote-down of his life this past Friday. Prior to the all-day no-holds-barred wrestling match, McCain is rumored to have heard a loud voice proclaim: “Yea, I sayeth unto you: do not layeth the smote-down on your brother…at least not without invoking executive privilege first.”

“Getting Shat On” No Longer Colorful Metaphor, Regrets Pigeon Man

Bernie Mac To Beat Bejesus Out of Fannie & Freddie Mae

WASHINGTON: For decades, Uncle Sam’s two spoiled-rotten children, Fannie & Freddie Mae, have provided America’s housing market with laughs aplenty: the “low-interest rate” gags! The zany lobbying pranks in the Senate! The Bullying of smaller banks during Congressional recess!

As Fannie “wedgies” Freddie during a House hearing, Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke mirror America’s own tragic fixation with the housing market…and wedgies.

Until recently…when, as a last resort, the Federal government took over the two pesky, meddling banks and granted exclusive conservatorship to Bernie Mac, whose extensive experience with tanning the hides of recalcitrant children needs no introduction.

Bernie agreed to adopt both Fannie and Freddie, but only under certain conditions that must be met…or else he promised “to beat the living bejesus out of both of ‘em”:

• Do no touch my HDTV, my CD, my DVD, my FCC, my FRB, my old school, my new school, my happy jams, my crappy jams. You got it?

• Freddie’s gonna have a case of “assus beatus redus”. That’s Latin for I’m gonna beat his ass until it glows.

• I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there’s one a few miles away from here…ha, ha, ha! (Oh, wait: they’ve already told that joke…on AMERICA).

• You got Dracula – a wooden stake; Wolfman – a silver bullet. Countrywide: unavailable credit. But little children, a belt. Wait a minute. I don’t need a belt.

Walmart Employee Arrested for Flaring Customers

Dieter Kohut (prior to arrest Thursday for exposing over 20 pieces of “flare” to unsuspecting customers)