Prince “will pose no public health risk” during Superbowl Halftime Show

26 12 2006

In light of recent concerns over Prince’s upcoming performance at the 2007 Superbowl Halftime Show, authorities have assured the press that every measure will be taken to protect the public weal from licentious and lewd behavior. American audiences, still reeling from the moral fallout of the Jackson-Timberlake bodice-ripping of 2004, have become increasingly wary of sexual and criminal misconduct among the young.

Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the National Football League, announced yesterday that “Prince has been fully compliant with our demands. He has agreed to contain himself on stage, regardless of whatever incarnation he may become subject to–or object of.” Monitoring Prince and his entourage closely, NFL officials have screened every aspect of this production for appropriate set design, wardrobe, dance routines, and song selections.

Prince is under strict, contractual obligations not to:

(1) play songs with suggestive titles, such as “Purple Rain” (slang for gonorrhea) or “Little Red Corvette” (an allusion to genitalia)

(2) remove his own clothing–or allow any member of his entourage to remove his clothing–or remove any member of his entourage’s clothing

(3) gyrate any part of his body remotely associated with physical intimacy

(4) behave in an effeminate or androgynous manner

(5) expose his tongue on stage

If any of these rules are violated, handlers will immediately secure the area and escort Prince away from the premises.

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