WASHINGTON: After several years of gradual de-evolution, President Bush has finally assumed a simian state, a process that contradicts the fundamentalist belief system of evangelical voters loyal to his party.
The transformation was accelerated, in recent weeks, by the President’s regression into a pre-civilized homonid, a species that holds no politically sanctioned place in God’s creation. When aides noticed that he had begun to resemble Oliver North, there was no question that his descent into a blasphemous state of primitive evolution was well underway.
After his televised address on Wednesday, reporters posed pointed questions about his goal to deploy 20,000 additional troops to Iraq; in response, Bush allegedly thumped his chest, lifted one leg, and leaked on the press corps. The following day, however, Press Secretary Tony Snow denied that any such leak had ever taken place.
Soon afterwards, the President started mis-pronouncing words–a fact not at all unusual–until the words in question were identified as basic articles (“the,” “a,” “um,”…). In response, Paul Falsprofitus (Bush’s personal minister) was summoned to the Oval Office, only to discover the commander-in-chief crouched atop a chandelier, munching on a devotional tract.
“At first,” Falsprofitus said, “I thought he might be speaking in tongues, like the week before when he kept saying ‘surge’ over and over again. I tried to lull him into a stupor, using familiar soundbytes from my bible site…to no avail.
It was then that I realized he had become what heathen biology teachers in public high schools call a—no, I won’t even say it: it’s unmentionable. Like the Devil himself, he’s set out to prove evolution backwards.”