Madonna and Jolie Compete in Weekend Orphan Shopping Spree

14 01 2007

LOS ANGELES, Jan. 13: On Saturday morning, Madonna and Angelina Jolie commenced a weekend “orphan-shopping-spree,” vying to adopt as many children from as many foreign countries as they could within a 48-hour time period. Judges predicted that Angelina, who has been training for adoptive competitions for the last five years, was clearly favored to win; moreover, her status as Goodwill Ambassador to the U.N. has helped open up new markets for wholesale baby-trafficking in third world countries that, otherwise, would not qualify for such opportunities. Jolie’s personal trainer, Lauren Librenino, assures fans that “she’s in remarkable shape. She’s had only one minor set-back in her career, when Maddox (her Cambodian child) arrived four hours late because the delivery service had been informed to ‘drop him off in an un-specified location.’ But she’s recovered well since then…and after out-smuggling Jennifer Aniston (over Brad Pitt), I think she’ll have no problem holding her own.”

But Madonna presents a formidable challenge to the International “Orphanianado.” Her recent adoption of David Banda, a child from Malawi (a country with no legal protection for orphans) proves that she will test every limit to wrest the title away from Jolie. “I’ll do whatever it takes,” she said, “embezzle, abduct, bribe, stage a mock-crucifixion in public. Believe me: that b**tch is going down.”

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Indeed, by late Saturday afternoon, Madonna appeared to be pulling ahead in the spree; having adopted over two dozen children, including a brother and sister from Zambia, six Senegalese sibblings, and a pair of twins from Botswana, she had secured a 3.2 orphan lead over Jolie. Then, unexpectedly, Angelina countered with a last-minute maneuver: the purchase of an entire orphanage in Nairobi, Kenya (population: 38).

Members of St. John’s Orphanage, in Nairobi, Kenya, after learning that they had been bought out (by Angelina Jolie) in a Hollywood celebrity catfight competition.

Un-fazed by Jolie’s lead, Madonna contacted a low-profile bounty hunter in Namibia, Mahmoud Al-Sistani, to hijack a UNICEF schoolbus jam-packed with children (population: 45) and charter it to the nearest American embassy. Angelina has yet to make a comeback, although she is reported to have distracted Madonna temporarily, by seducing Guy Ritchie an hour ago, during a concert performance for local charities.

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