CHICAGO, IL. Since 1947, The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, a select group of physicists, chemists, and tenured academics has set the pace for Doomsday—the virtual annihilation of all human life as we know it. But over the decades, it’s been extremely difficult for Americans to keep up with the changing rhythms of international relations and nuclear armament. In a recent Gallup poll, for instance, 83% of callers felt that, during the fall months, Doomsday came too early during the day–and, during the spring months, it came too late. 78% felt “uncomfortable” and “restless” experiencing apocalyptic dread outdoors during winter months and indoors during summer months.
To ease the seasonal transition from periods of light dread to periods of dark dread, these scientists have recently devised DoomsDaylight Savings Time, a safe, efficient system that limits annual symptoms of anxiety to two six-month periods. To make the incomprehensible scale of nuclear holocaust much more inviting and user-friendly, they have also adapted it into a bright-blue, earth-shaped clock. Adjusting Doomsday only twice a year, Americans will acheive a regular balance, knowing that dread will always be there to fall back on in the past–and spring ahead to in the future.
The big hand, representing Western Democracy, is 5 dots away from the small hand, representing Imminent Doom.
Areas that observe DoomsDaylight Saving’s time
Areas that have never observed DoomsDaylight Saving’s time
Areas that have recently observed DoomsDaylight Saving’s time one hour ahead of their post-imperialist aggressors and neighbors