Stranded By Lobbyists, Bob Ney Resorts to Walking

20 01 2007

Cleveland, OHIO: After enduring an arduous career as both Congressman and Republican lobbyist (1995-2006), which provided various exotic means of transport and recreation, Robert Ney has just rediscovered the use of his own legs, which, when thrust forward one at a time in sluggish succession, result in forward movement.

The discovery coincidentally occurred to Ney right after he was indicted for his involvement in the Jack Abramoff scandal: “I remember exactly where I was: on the floor of the House of Representatives. I looked out at my Congressional colleagues who had forced me to resign, then looked down at these strange oblong-shaped parts of my body called ‘feet.’ Perhaps since they were not earmarked for taxpayer contributions, I had never noticed them before.”


On the House Floor, all opposed to Bob’s motion for providing a ride home say “Ney.”

In almost a decade in the House, Ney has never been denied a single motion for personal transportation and accomodation. Since 2000 alone, he has traveled by the following means: private jet, stretch limousine, Hummer, yacht, golf cart, and entourage. He has stayed in the following rest areas: luxury resort, palatial estate, Camp David, private Casino penthouse. He has also played golf in the following foreign countries: Scotland, Wales, and the United Kingdom. After 911, his personal budget even allotted a trip to Iran, where he played cricket with CIA operatives (Ney is secretly fluent in Farsi).


Ney & Pages, visiting an exclusive gambling reservation in northern Conneticut.

Ney went on to enlist several pages (“foot-bearers”) to carry him through the halls of the Capitol building; several of them were required to wear traditional Native American garb and accompany him to Foxwoods Casino–a decision that proved fatal to “Chief” (as he thereafter called himself) when he was indicted on charges of fraud and embezzlement.

Bob initially denied these charges, assuring Congress that former lobbyist cronies Jack Abramoff and Tom Delay would attest to his innocence and urgent need for luxury accomodations. But when both men refused to do so, Ney officially pled guilty to these charges, but also pled “for a comfortable mode of transport–preferably something plush and climate-controlled, a modest sportscar with tinted windows that can go 0-90 in less than 7 seconds.”




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