Senator Hilary Clinton (in stationary mode)
WASHINGTON: In a shocking announcement today, Senator Hilary Clinton revealed a 2008 party ticket that defies all expectations, crossing not only the Democrat-Republican divide but virtually every other political party line unknown to Americans. At a press conference held outside the Capitol building, Sen. Clinton addressed a crowd of some 1050 voters; 500 Democrats, 500 Republicans, and 50 independent voters (who were violently heckled by the other 1000). Mrs. Clinton’s speech was molded to the crowd, as was her mouth, which opened on both sides, often within the same breath:
“I have never been afraid to stand up for what I believe in or to face down the Republican machine,” she said, “and having done so, I have harnessed its power, and now seek to use this power to guarantee unanimous victory in November, 2008.”
At this point, Clinton’s speech became atonal, and several beeps and whirs could be heard. “Our country has become mired in un-productive partisan politics between Blue States and Red States. This makes the process of voting incredibly confusing for Americans, most of whom have trouble even locating the United States on a map of North America. But our shared beliefs extend beyond primary colors. We are neither a red nor a blue people. We are magenta. This is why I’ve selected an obscure Republican senator from Kansas as my running mate: Samuel Brownback.
Senator Sam Brownback (moderate Republican) (light red)
95% of the crowd exploded in unanimous applause, then began to disperse (the remaining 5% looked baffled). Sen. Brownback stepped up to the podium and summoned them back:
“Many of you might remember me–” Brownback began (The crowd squinted) “–or might not even recognize me at all. It’s okay–I’m used to it. My own party doesn’t, either. Which proves how deeply divided we have become.Therefore, I’ve selected several co-running mates whose slight notoriety will complement my total anonymity.
There’s a staunch supporter of the President, John McCain-Russ Feingold, a Democrat whose name often follows McCain and a hyphen. Ralph Nader, a Gre-(stammers)-Green Party? candidate; Al Sharpton, who represents a broad demographic of African-American voters. Not that we have chosen Al for this reason–no, sir. Al is a very qualified, very popular politician who has appeared hundreds of times on late-night television. I’m told viewers, who watch a channel called ‘B.E.T.’, love him.”
Senators McCain-Feingold, hyphenated (dark red-dark blue); Ralph Nader (green); Al Sharpton (no longer affiliated with coaltions, rainbow or otherwise)