(now up for bidding in Doubletake’s auction house)
FLORENCE, CO. After more than ten years out of the public spotlight, Theodore J. Kaczynski (“the Unabomber”) has returned. However, this time, it appears that a family member of one of his victims may have retaliated using his very methods (letter-terrorism) to wreck vengence upon him. On Monday morning, Charles Milligan, the warden of ADX maximum security prison, contacted the F.B.I. regarding a suspicious letter that “ticked at regular and nerve-wracking intervals.”
Federal agents closely examined the ticking envelope, discovering that, indeed, it was addressed to Mr. Kaczynski, as indicated by the addressee portion. Moreover, a methodical statistical analysis revealed that the letter had been mailed to him at his current address, suggesting that the addressor may have known the specific whereabouts of the addressee ahead of time.
Nigel Rhys-Meyers, president of the NAtional Philately Society (N.A.P.S.) the Bureau’s most renowned expert in stamp trafficking, has also detected a pair of cryptic symbols affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the letter: “The first of these, on the left, is Mr. Kaczynski, followed by a ‘=’ which, in the parlance of our times, represents ‘equal to.’ Also, he has scribbled the words ‘HaHaHa,” which might indicate laughter. But the image to the right–a cranium at the intersection of two clavicles–has baffled us for months. Perhaps it is an allusion to piracy, or a Masonic emblem? Any guess is as good as mine.”
Having abandoned all potential leads, the F.B.I. returned the letter to Mr. Milligan, who then noticed that the prolonged ticking sound continued. He also noticed an extension cord plugged into the envelope, suggesting an electrical power source of some kind.
“I would open the letter,” Milligan said, “but seeing how that is a felony, it would be more appropriate to ‘return to sender’…if only there were a return address to send it back to.
Come to think of it, Ted’s been trying to reclaim his old letters from those lawyers…could be this is one of them. I’ll let him open it, then. He doesn’t get much fan mail these days, and I’ll bet this’ll make his day.”