HOLLYWOOD, CA.: Yesterday afternoon, in a tragic turn of events, a Pamplonan bull escaped from the Los Angeles Zoo and stormed its way into the 2007 Screen Actors Guild Awards. Lured by the bright red carpet, the bull (later identified as Enrico) carved a wide path of terror through a glittering throng of celebrities.
Allegedly, Enrico became incensed when he heard the needling voice of Ryan Seacrest, host of American Idol. Seacrest had just finished an interview with Helen Mirren’s hair, and moved two degrees away from Kevin Bacon (un-separated from his wife, who still held the one degree spot) when Enrico charged the parasitical papparazi.
Seacrest’s last recorded words were: “and here comes James Gandolfini, dashing in a Gucci Leather Suit–and–a spear in his back…?”
Strangely, no one seemed to take notice of Seacreast’s gruesome demise. Forrest Whitaker, the steeled dictator of Uganda, glanced away. Steve Carrell, a suicide survivor in Little Miss Sunshine, found new meaning in life, remarking that “none of us even knew Ryan was gone until we realized how quiet and peaceful everything seemed. I never really appreciated him until after he was fatally gored in public.”