Desperate Man Seeks New Adjectives To Depict Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models

25 02 2007

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For the past twenty years, Frank Carbone has kept close track of Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit edition–so close, in fact, that photographers from SI have issued at least four restraining orders against him in the last year alone. Carbone never travels with photographic equipment of his own, carrying only a pen and a pad of paper. “With these tools,” he insists, holding them aloft, high above his head, “I can coin new words to describe their Venusian bodies!”

It all started in the spring of 1982, when Carbone bought his first swimsuit edition. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” the close-talking voyeur said, “I took one look at Carol Alt, and thought–bing!–‘Alt-imate’! And from that moment on, all sorts of words started occurring to me.” Many of these words Carbone began pronouncing in public…to the dismay of law-abiding, tactful citizens. By the late-1980’s, he began noticing his image on telephone poles and syndicated episodes of Court TV.

Oluchi Onweagba has filed a half a dozen pre-emptive restraining orders against Mr. Carbone.

In the last few years, Carbone has described various models as “Klumtastic,” (Heidi Klum), “Petra-fying” (Petra Nemcova), and “Mazz-nafique!” (Valeria Mazza), but this year, for unknown reasons no one wants to make known, he can not express his sense of perverse rapture in words.

“Beyonce Knowles–the name baffles me. I’ve tried everything: ‘KNol-es Contendere’–nope, too highbrow. Or what about: ‘Oluchi Onweagba’? Ouch! I get a migraine just thinking about it.”

At this point in the interview, Carbone has begun thwacking himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand. Wary for our safety and implication in the desperate life of a diva-stalker, our reporters quietly slip away from the scene.





Romney Promises New Wing To House First Ladies

25 02 2007

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Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, flanked by one of dozens of aspiring First Ladies.

SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney has been dogged by reporters and media pundits, all of whom excoriate the 2008 Presidential candidate for his checkered polygamous past. In order to dispel these rumors, Romney delivered a press conference on the steps of the Salt Lake City courthouse. Flanked by half a dozen wives on his left and half a dozen on his right, Romney defended himself against charges of immoral conduct:”I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” Romney said, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, “at least not outside of wedlock. Or that woman…or that one…or that one, either.”

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Having lost track of the names of his various wives, Romney has recently started to number them.

When pressured to respond to how he intended to become elected to the White House with multiple first ladies, Romney replied graciously, “I will built a new First Ladies Wing, and provide all spouses with room and board, three square meals a day, and the occasional conjugal visit.”

Romney has made great strides with the Christian Coalition, building common ground with leaders like Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed. “We all agree that when it comes to divorce, our nation has reached a point of critical mass. Which is why banning divorce altogether and promoting abstinence in its place is the best solution…and, barring that, endorsing multiple unions in patriarchal families is the second best solution.”





Prince Harry Deployed Just in Time For British Withdrawal

25 02 2007

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Prince Harry checks his rear-view mirror for an exit strategy.

He has been deployed at one of the most significant points in the Iraq War. A symbolic figurehead in a symbolic empire, Prince Harry (who, in recent years, has adopted a Shakespearean alias, “Prince Hal”) has proudly volunteered to lead his people neither to victory nor defeat…but to withdrawal from Iraq.

“Hal has always been non-committal when it comes to serious decisions in his life,” royal spokesman Nigel Hathorne-Dippinger claims, “relationships, University, wearing inappropriate Nazi regalia at Halloween parties…he’s never been content to think things through but always determined to pull out of a bad situation. So, naturally, this War was a perfect fit for him: a war effort…minus the effort.”





Montel Taken Hostage in Pharmaceutical Bus-Jacking

22 02 2007

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Last Sunday, daily talk-show host Montel Williams was taken hostage in a historic pharmaceutical bus-jacking–the first of its kind–in Missoula, Montana. Since that time, citizens across the United States have recorded strange sitings of the bus, a distinct bright-orange and white vehicle with the words “Drugs Is Here” emblazoned across its chassis.

Over the past year, Williams has served as the official spokesman for Partnership for Prescription Assistance (PPA), a non-profit organization that seeks to extend the benefits of pharmaceuticals to all Americans. Such benefits have been enormously profitable for this organization. In the first month alone, PPA has managed a sweeping national tour for Mr. Williams, providing him with a tour bus, a private jet, a yacht, and free accommodations at various Native American casinos.

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Have you seen this bus? Or your doctor about the latest pharmaceuticals?

Williams has been a staunch advocate for the legalization of cannabis for medical use; ironically, his stop in Missoula coincided with the city’s annual Marijuanathon. Moments after pulling into the local Greyhound terminal, a small crowd of sluggish, bleary-eyed commuters surrounded the bus, then hopped aboard, demanding that the driver take them “as far away from this godforsaken town as humanly possible.” Montel, at the time, was rumored to be somewhere near the back row, behind a thick veil of herbal smoke where pumping reggae music could be heard.

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In the past year, PPA’s charitable events have become increasingly bizarre; authorities attribute last month’s Autumn Iditarod to a combination of Pazil and Xanex.

Authorities have still not been able to isolate the exact location of the PPA bus; it seems to follow no set itinerary or sense of direction. However, they have discovered that, for reasons as yet unknown, the bus has veered off-road many times…and made regular pit stops at fast food restaurants.

 





Bush Makes Mockery of Former President, History

20 02 2007

MT. VERNON, VA. Earlier today, on the bowling green lawn of the First President’s estate, George W. Bush addressed an assembled crowd of fans, celebrating our nation’s 126th official President’s Day. Unaware that a dozen un-screened Revolutionary War reenactors were also among the audience, Bush continued with his speech, unfazed.

“Today, we remember the importance of our Presidential leaders,” Bush said, “who fought long and hard to assure us that liberty would be secured for all Americans.”

The audience cheered; a fife and drum started to play a stirring rendition of “Yankee Doodle”; several tri-cornered hats twirled in the air.

“Thank you,” Bush said, “And as we surge to spread the cause of freedom around the world, we remember that the father of our country also believed that such freedoms secured in our revolution were not meant for Americans alone.”

A hush fell over the crowd. Crickets chirped.

“Like our Founding Fathers, especially the one who lived here, we must defend our freedom against terrorists from foreign lands, ever-vigilant and ever-wary of threats from Al Qaida.”

“I object.” In the crowd, a tall, grey-haired man rose to his feet and walked up to the lectern beside Bush. “This is preposterous. We never fought for freedom. We fought for our property and our slaves. And this ‘Al Qaida’ was the last thing on our minds…unless, of course, you’re referring to my sugar plantation in Haiti.”

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The First President appears besides the Current One to commemorate another year of historical amnesia

“But–”

“But nothing, sir. You’ve made a mockery of me…and history. Every single year, term after interminable term, one of you gives a speech in my name. And every year it changes. First it was abolition, then something against the Third Reich of the Hessians, a skirmish here and there in the Orient, and now a foreign war against the Sultan? All in my name. Do you even know my name?”

“George?”

“Well, that’s a start. One simple request: stop using it. Hoover’s more your style: why not call on him? Dammit, man: just let me sleep in eternal peace.”

The Former President, who has yet to be identified, spat out a set of wooden teeth, then stormed off the premises of Mt. Vernon. Immediately after he left, Bush cleared his throat, and started over: “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure…”

A tall man, wearing a black, stove-pipe hat, rose from the crowd.







Peter Pan Suspect Taken into Custody After 3-Day Salmonella Stand-off

17 02 2007

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DES MOINES, IA.: After a 3-day stand-off with police, Stanley Brittle (a.k.a. “Peter Pan”) finally surrendered. Since early Tuesday morning, Brittle had held himself hostage in a local supermarket, securing all exits and windows…then cramming his surprisingly limber body in between two shelves in Aisle 9. There, he proceeded to contaminate every surface he came in contact with, spreading a rare form of salmonella with his tongue. When members of the Des Moines Sheriff’s Department contacted him via cell phone, they insisted that he give in immediately; Brittle, however, responded with his own infectious demands: an elaborate, four-page “Panifesto” written in sparkling green ink. Eventually, counselers were able to lure Stanley out of the aisle and into custody with promises of “faith and trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

Power to the Pete-Pan!

 

Interview with “Peter and The Wolf” star now posted under “Meet A Neo-Con”





Al-Sadr Declares Chef D’Etat in Iraq

15 02 2007

After months of silence, Muqtada al-Sadr, a Shia cleric (who has been linked to Al Qaida, Hezbollah, Hamas, and Iran’s covert culinary militia) finally released a public statement regarding the future of terrorism in Iraq. Al-Sadr, the former host of Al-Jazeera’s “Cooking on the Run,” has earned such a large following over the years that he is often compared to Emeril and The Ayatollah.

Yesterday, Al-Sadr spoke with French food critics from Le Monde, assuring them that he would “cook up a recipe so spicy that it would blow them away.” A lengthy disagreement about gourmet dishes ensued, friendly enough until one of the critics, Piere LeBrule, questioned Al-Sadr’s kitchen etiquette: a fatal mistake. Piere’s body was found this afternoon, smoldering outside of Baghdad in a large pit of creme brule.

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Concealing his true motives under a thick oven mitt of secrecy, Al-Sadr plots a recipe for disaster.

The other two critics were subsequently detained by the CIA operatives, who interrogated them for hours about a possible link between Al-Sadr, Saddam Hussein, and a “Nigerian yellowcake” that had allegedly been cooked up by secret agents in the field. When the Frenchmen pointed out that no such recipe existed–nor ever had existed–the CIA insisted that it did, then denied the half-baked allegations, then attributed the allegations to the French people, then denied having made such allegations.