CAPE CANAVERAL, FL.: Having been charged with kidnapping, attempted murder, and battery, Captain Lisa Nowak would seem to set a new landmark for astronauts, an elite class of emotionally stable individuals who enjoy long absences from other people in the deep recesses of the cosmic void.
NASA officials admit to being “totally caught off-guard” by Nowak’s secret plot to abduct and murder Colleen Shipman, an apparent romantic rival for Bill Oefelein (a fellow astronaut both women met at an NRA rally).
“She was always very quiet, diligent, mild-mannered, and discreet,” Mr. Oefelein said, “she never once flinched at the target range. She could lock and load an AK-47 in less than nine seconds…and she was a pretty good astronaut, too.”
NASA has maintained a rigorous program of psychiatric testing to screen applicants for the space program. However, officials do not recall anything striking about Nowak’s behavior or habits. Dr. Felix Libidinalsky, head of the National Institute of Professional PsyhiatrY (NIPPY), administered several of her tests, and admired the results: “she had the perfect disposition: quiet, deliberate, emotionally detached, and capable of traveling extensive distances without a single bathroom break.”
When asked to describe the following inkblot, all responses seem relatively tame: a majority of astronauts saw “two foreign nations joined in peaceful exploration”; likewise, Cpt. Nowak discerned “two praying mantises competing for the severed head of a male.”
“She once held it for 500 miles during a round-trip journey to the International Space Station,” Libidinalsky continued, “in order to meet a Russian cosmonaut, Sergei Ivanovich, before the Canadians arrived.”
Texas law enforcement officials, unfortunately, failed to connect Nowak’s mission in space to her mission on earth. But Bill Oefelein, who has seen Texas from outer space, admits that the two are very similar: “there’s this massive, timeless void where you pretty much can get away with anything. Space: the final frontier.”