Gore Requests Restraining Order for Branson

10 02 2007

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Un-invited to a press-conference, Branson joins Gore in assuring reporters that “the world is safely in our hands.”

LONDON: Former Vice President Al Gore has maintained a consistent stance on the environment, traveling the world to advocate for increased restrictions on various contaminants contributing to air, water, and land pollution. He has also maintained a consistent stance on his own independence from “roomies,” a series of testosterone-addled alpha-males who, over the past four decades, have stalked, exploited, and betrayed him (usually, for political ideas and beer money).

After several attempts at blackmail, Doubletake finally conceded to Gore’s request for an interview (when Gore began mentioning “FACTS,” a jargon of truth with no frame of reference in our tiny galaxy of the blogosphere, we gave in to his demands).

Here are some excerpts, highlighting Gore’s reactions:

Tommy Lee Jones

“For the first couple years at Harvard, I worked hard, studied philosophy, theology, etc. I’d always heard about–and heard–Tommy Lee: he lived down the hall from me and John Lithgow. Let’s see…Tommy…mostly I remember screaming, a smell of burning flesh, and riots in the quad every night. That might have been after he moved into our dorm room. Or that might have during Nam. I can’t really tell the difference.”

Bill Clinton

“When Bill first contacted me back in ’92 about splitting the White House with him, I was totally blown over. Until I realized, halfway through the second term, that Tommy Lee had set it all up, telling Bill that I was a ‘total pushover’ for all-night enter-intern office parties. I had no idea what I was getting into…by the time ’98 rolled around, I didn’t want to have anything to do with the Oral Office.”

Richard Branson

“He showed up at one of our press screenings of The Inconvenient Truth in London. As soon as it let out, Branson found me in the lobby, signing autographs. He asked me if I’d be his Virgin roommate. I called security immediately.

He started running around, screaming, ‘A million dollars! I’ll give the first person who can suck all the carbon dioxide out of this room a million dollars!’ The crowd dispersed. I think he won that competition.”

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