MT. VERNON, VA. Earlier today, on the bowling green lawn of the First President’s estate, George W. Bush addressed an assembled crowd of fans, celebrating our nation’s 126th official President’s Day. Unaware that a dozen un-screened Revolutionary War reenactors were also among the audience, Bush continued with his speech, unfazed.
“Today, we remember the importance of our Presidential leaders,” Bush said, “who fought long and hard to assure us that liberty would be secured for all Americans.”
The audience cheered; a fife and drum started to play a stirring rendition of “Yankee Doodle”; several tri-cornered hats twirled in the air.
“Thank you,” Bush said, “And as we surge to spread the cause of freedom around the world, we remember that the father of our country also believed that such freedoms secured in our revolution were not meant for Americans alone.”
A hush fell over the crowd. Crickets chirped.
“Like our Founding Fathers, especially the one who lived here, we must defend our freedom against terrorists from foreign lands, ever-vigilant and ever-wary of threats from Al Qaida.”
“I object.” In the crowd, a tall, grey-haired man rose to his feet and walked up to the lectern beside Bush. “This is preposterous. We never fought for freedom. We fought for our property and our slaves. And this ‘Al Qaida’ was the last thing on our minds…unless, of course, you’re referring to my sugar plantation in Haiti.”
“But nothing, sir. You’ve made a mockery of me…and history. Every single year, term after interminable term, one of you gives a speech in my name. And every year it changes. First it was abolition, then something against the Third Reich of the Hessians, a skirmish here and there in the Orient, and now a foreign war against the Sultan? All in my name. Do you even know my name?”
“Well, that’s a start. One simple request: stop using it. Hoover’s more your style: why not call on him? Dammit, man: just let me sleep in eternal peace.”
The Former President, who has yet to be identified, spat out a set of wooden teeth, then stormed off the premises of Mt. Vernon. Immediately after he left, Bush cleared his throat, and started over: “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure…”
A tall man, wearing a black, stove-pipe hat, rose from the crowd.