Desperate Man Seeks New Adjectives To Depict Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models

25 02 2007


For the past twenty years, Frank Carbone has kept close track of Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit edition–so close, in fact, that photographers from SI have issued at least four restraining orders against him in the last year alone. Carbone never travels with photographic equipment of his own, carrying only a pen and a pad of paper. “With these tools,” he insists, holding them aloft, high above his head, “I can coin new words to describe their Venusian bodies!”

It all started in the spring of 1982, when Carbone bought his first swimsuit edition. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” the close-talking voyeur said, “I took one look at Carol Alt, and thought–bing!–‘Alt-imate’! And from that moment on, all sorts of words started occurring to me.” Many of these words Carbone began pronouncing in public…to the dismay of law-abiding, tactful citizens. By the late-1980’s, he began noticing his image on telephone poles and syndicated episodes of Court TV.

Oluchi Onweagba has filed a half a dozen pre-emptive restraining orders against Mr. Carbone.

In the last few years, Carbone has described various models as “Klumtastic,” (Heidi Klum), “Petra-fying” (Petra Nemcova), and “Mazz-nafique!” (Valeria Mazza), but this year, for unknown reasons no one wants to make known, he can not express his sense of perverse rapture in words.

“Beyonce Knowles–the name baffles me. I’ve tried everything: ‘KNol-es Contendere’–nope, too highbrow. Or what about: ‘Oluchi Onweagba’? Ouch! I get a migraine just thinking about it.”

At this point in the interview, Carbone has begun thwacking himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand. Wary for our safety and implication in the desperate life of a diva-stalker, our reporters quietly slip away from the scene.




3 responses

26 02 2007

Why doesn’t the article explain why he has restraining orders filed against him?

28 02 2007
Brad Barnes

Hey, how about Beyonce Kuh-nowl-ee? You know, canoli. Like, scrumptious. Oh wait, I guess we shouldn’t be helping the psychopath…

28 02 2007

Good one! I’m having major cognitive dissonance on this post. Going from Frank to Oluchi. Way too much.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: