Bocce Ball Champion Accused of Steroid Abuse

1 03 2007

PALM BEACH, FL.: In the world of professional bocce ball, the stakes may be unusually low, but among competitors and die-hard fans, there is an unspoken rule that “the true measure of a man is in the length of his ball-hurl.” Indeed, in the past five years alone, Boccionadoes have surpassed Shuffleboard and Horseshoe players by a ratio of 9 to 1.

Experts attribute this recent rise to a corresponding increase of steroid abuse among top-notch Boccie players, who have substituted role models in their own sport (Mort “the Arm” Arrington, Bud Echadatestes) with professional baseball players, like Mark McGuire and (more recently) Gary Matthews:

Gary Matthews’ recent catch, involving a 20 foot leap into the air, was propelled by physique, pure will, and a heavy dosing of Testosterupterone (patent pending)

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Sammy Sosa’s legendary 250 yard throw has inspired Boccie Players across the globe…

Don’t make Barry Bonds angry: you wouldn’t like Barry when he’s angry.

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Clarence Jones, Rookie of the Year 2006 (New York Yankees).

This past Sunday, rumors of steroid abuse in Bocce competitions were finally confirmed…in Palm Beach, local tenants of Shady Acres retirement home were shocked to discover a 7-foot shirtless man, hauling an 80-pound boccie ball over his head, rudely interrupting their annual tournament.

It was only after the ball had landed on their game, crushing every other ball in the ring, that one of the competitors recognized the man as Biff Jenkins, the undefeated international boccie champion. Mr. Jenkins, who now only answers to the name “Atlas,” could not be reached for comment; however, his agent and spokesman, Jake Croft (of Pfizer) has denied rumors that he has taken any illegal steroids.

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Biff “Atlas” Jenkins broke Shady Acres Retirement Home’s bocce record throw by over 60 feet.

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