Pentagon Apologizes for “Chic Conditions” at Guantanamo Bay

6 03 2007

Guantanamo Bay provides a posh luxury resort and spa for privileged enemy combatants.

In a rare moment of conciliation and humility, top officials at the Pentagon apologized for the charitable and humane treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo Naval Base in Cuba. On Thursday, A House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee interviewed Assistant Surgeon General Kevin C. Wiley, whose emotional responses to their pointed questions ranged between shock and awe.

“When I heard that we had provided medical facilities for these patients,” he said, “I was totally shocked. I had no idea that they were considered patients, much less prisoners of war. After that, I could only feel awe.”

Congressional members went on to describe the “chic conditions” at Guantanamo Bay, including a 3 mile-long boardwalk with small, quaint casinos, a swimming pool in the shape of Che Guevara, and a harem…that included women.

Addressing his fellow House representatives, Mark Green (R, Wisconsin) read out a list of alleged benefits provided for enemy combatants: “Free drinks, an all-you-can-eat buffet, and an on-site Cuban masseuse named Juanita. What is this: The Godfather II?” Green then stood up in front of the assembly, held up a large red umbrella, and opened it:

Kevin C. Kiley looks on in horror at two samples of bottled water and an umbrella, all confiscated from medical patients of Guantanamo Bay.

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“This is absolutely sickening. You actually let them shade their heads with this? Why didn’t you put a stiff burlap sack on their faces? Isn’t that standard military procedure?”

General Wiley hesitated for a moment, still awe-struck by the open umbrella: “I was operating under the assumption that this was a medical facility–”

“A medical facility?” Green shouted, “Have you seen our medical facilities? Clearly, you need to get your facts straight.”