Pentagon Apologizes for “Chic Conditions” at Guantanamo Bay

6 03 2007

Guantanamo Bay provides a posh luxury resort and spa for privileged enemy combatants.

In a rare moment of conciliation and humility, top officials at the Pentagon apologized for the charitable and humane treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo Naval Base in Cuba. On Thursday, A House Oversight and Government Reform subcommittee interviewed Assistant Surgeon General Kevin C. Wiley, whose emotional responses to their pointed questions ranged between shock and awe.

“When I heard that we had provided medical facilities for these patients,” he said, “I was totally shocked. I had no idea that they were considered patients, much less prisoners of war. After that, I could only feel awe.”

Congressional members went on to describe the “chic conditions” at Guantanamo Bay, including a 3 mile-long boardwalk with small, quaint casinos, a swimming pool in the shape of Che Guevara, and a harem…that included women.

Addressing his fellow House representatives, Mark Green (R, Wisconsin) read out a list of alleged benefits provided for enemy combatants: “Free drinks, an all-you-can-eat buffet, and an on-site Cuban masseuse named Juanita. What is this: The Godfather II?” Green then stood up in front of the assembly, held up a large red umbrella, and opened it:

Kevin C. Kiley looks on in horror at two samples of bottled water and an umbrella, all confiscated from medical patients of Guantanamo Bay.


“This is absolutely sickening. You actually let them shade their heads with this? Why didn’t you put a stiff burlap sack on their faces? Isn’t that standard military procedure?”

General Wiley hesitated for a moment, still awe-struck by the open umbrella: “I was operating under the assumption that this was a medical facility–”

“A medical facility?” Green shouted, “Have you seen our medical facilities? Clearly, you need to get your facts straight.”