Ann Coulter Possessed By Spirit of Lucrezia Borgia

10 03 2007

Borgia (left) first took possession of Coulter (right) in 1984 during a Delta Gamma meeting at Cornell University…and has spewn bile at her imaginary enemies ever since.

In the past two decades, conservative political commentator Ann Coulter has earned a stunning reputation as a pundit for the far right: a distinct American niche comprised of rabidly patriotic citizens, pseudo-literates, and pig-humpers.

The roots of her peculiar ability to galvanize this demographic have been traced to her sheltered, privileged childhood in New Canaan, Connecticut. However, in recent weeks, these roots have been traced back much farther…to a 15th century Italian femme fatale, Lucrezia Borgia, who allegedly took possession of Coulter’s body some twenty years ago.

In 1983, while participating in a Delta Gamma “Feed the Rich” fundraiser, Coulter collapsed in the student union center. She began to convulse and writhe, expelling vomit and racial epithets. Her sorority sisters tried to approach her to help, but were so repulsed by the thick stream of pea soup covering her body that they left the building.

“It was hard to make out what she was saying,” Missy Stapleton III (former sorority sister) said, “but between the chunks of pork, she mentioned something about ‘a plot to overthrow her’ and ‘poisoning the wells of the infidels.’ It was all very disgusting, but also very catchy. Like a bad song with a good jingle, I just couldn’t get it out of my head.”


Cultural critics and scholars have identified this speech as originating from Lucrezia Borgia, one of the most diabolic individuals who ever lived. During her lifetime, Borgia cloaked her true intentions under a thick veil of religious piety, murdering dozens of her arch-rivals and surviving on malice alone.

For much of the 1990’s, Coulter’s “inner Borgia” had remained dormant; she would often attend Republican rallies, making eye contact with others and even smiling. But after the 1998 Lewinsky affair, her Lucrezia succubus reemerged in an interview with Time magazine: “Clinton is a rapist! Kill the beast! Spill his blood!” Within weeks, these words became a popular rallying cry for the case against the former president; Coulter fans began chanting them, often in remote locations where Dionysian bonfires had been erected.


Since 2001, Some 2,000 “Coulter cults” have sprung up in remote regions of the United States. These often involve elaborate ritualistic sacrifices of marshmallows (a popular treat among liberal terrorists).



After 911, Lucretia manifested herself again, this time taking full possession of Coulter’s faculties, towers of intellect vulnerable to unexpected attacks.


“A dagger is more important than a book.”

“Tuscany has become trouble recently.”

“Then there are the 300,000 Milanese supported by papal charities. And of course there are the 200,000 greedy town elders. Both would make a pretty big meal for the Venetians. Ergo, we should eat them.” –Lucrezia Borgia


“A cruise missile is more important than a head start.”

“Canada has become trouble recently.”

“Then there are the 22 million Americans on food stamps. And of course there are the 39 million greedy geezers collecting Social Security. The greatest generation rewarded itself with a pretty big meal.”–Ann Coulter





The editor of Doubletake wants to thank you, Ann. Go here: