Khalid Sheik Mohammed has recently confessed to being the principal architect behind the 911 attacks, abortive assassinations of at least three (3) former Presidents, the U.S.S. Cole bombing, the Waco cult suicide, and an outbreak of cholera in Southwest Florida.
But military personnel at Guantanamo Naval Base/Luxury Resort have finally managed to coax Khalid into submission, plying him with four-course meals, massages, and unlimited weekend calls to close relatives. Succumbing to total relaxation after several glasses of Chateau Margaux, Khalid finally confessed to arranging the recent Peter Pan outbreak of salmonella and at least 200 cases of petty larceny throughout the continental United States.
“While studying at Chowan (college, in North Carolina), I stole four pairs of Sebagos from a local Footlocker store, a dozen Hawaiian shirts from a T.J. Max–and (breaking down) a green-haired troll key chain mascot.”
Indeed, Khalid’s stint during the mid-1980’s might constitute his most impressive–and most desperate–stage of criminality in his longtime career as an Al Qaida operative.
Khalid Sheik Mohammed, posing for a portrait that he subsequently stole from artist Andy Warhol (1985).
“I was on the far outside,” he sighed, “the far, far outside…looking for a way in, trying to impress my mullah, Omar Jenkins in Murfreesboro. It started with a pair of parachute pants. Then one thing led to another…next thing I knew I was knocking out pedestrians and snatching Air Jordans off their feet. (Weeping): I took a Michael Jackson jacket off of a little girl once. She tried to chase me down…but I could always out-run a moon-walk.”