Jeopardy Contestant Convinced “Trebek Out to Get Him”

27 03 2007

Tony Fernandez, who tied for second place this week on Jeopardy, has recently filed a restraining order against host Alex Trebek, citing “irreconcilable differences, conflicts of opinion, and a conspiracy of Kennedian proportions.”

Fernandez, a mild-mannered native of Cuba, emigrated to the United States decades ago; an avid trivia buff, he cites American game shows as formative influences in his mastery of the English language. His older brother, Francis, recalls that, from a very early age, “Tony asked a lot of questions…in fact, he often insisted that others phrase their sentences in the form of a question, and when they didn’t, he would ignore them, often for days at at time, until they finally caught on.”

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Tony Fernandez was available only to pose questions–not answer them.

Several months ago, Mr. Hernandez finally achieved his lifelong dream; having qualified for the show, he made every effort to ensure a winning match, practicing night and day without ever once letting his guard down…even during a pre-game Q&A:

“Who is the Number One contestant so far this year?” Hernandez asked reporters, “Who is your daddy?” When one interviewer tried to answer his question, Tony stormed off and sulked for an hour.

During the brief introduction period, Hernandez noticed that Alex Trebek slighted him, posing two questions for both of his opponents, Doug Hicton and Ben Gabbard, but only one to him. So, as soon as Trebek chatted with Hicton about his salt and pepper shaker collection, Tony muttered into his microphone: “who can shake me? Who is nobody?”

During the match, Hernandez held his own, smiling politely and asking his opponents, “Who is the champ now? Could it be me?” But, soon enough, the tide turned against him, and Tony began to lose his typical composure, asking Alex questions with absolutely no relevance to the answers provided: “Who is out to get to me?” “Who is a snide Canadian with all the answers?” “Who has a fitness-center tan?”

Going into “Final Jeopardy,” Hicton had secured a lead of more than $10,000 over his competitors; refusing to give in, Hernandez turned to Gabbard and asked him, “who would like to throw in the towel for 5G’s?” Despite his incessant, infuriating questions, Gabbard managed to tie with Hernandez…and Hicton nabbed the win.

Hernandez was inconsolable, insisting that Trebek had staged an elaborate three-person coup to depose him from his position: “who brings only danger and downfalls? Who is the host of jeopardy?”

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Gonzales Dismisses Wife, Reappoints New Children

27 03 2007

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Attorney General Alberto Gonzales bids a brusque farewell to his second wife, Rebecca Turner, and embraces his newly appointed son, Franz.

WASHINGTON: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has been criticized for erratic and evasive behavior. After firing eight prominent Federal U.S. attorneys, Gonzales held a brief press conference to dispel false rumors; he claimed that all eight had retired voluntarily without any pressure from him personally: “if you mean my office coerced them, well then, sure, but where was I? Was I in the office? And was this before or after I had the office dismissed?” At this point, Gonzales looked slightly confused, dove through a hole in crowd of reporters, and disappeared (a witness would later report that he descended a fire escape outside the building and leaped into an unmarked vehicle).

In an even more bizarre turn of events, Gonzales has begun to dismiss members of his own family, starting with his second wife, Rebecca Turner, and their three beautiful–but politically misaligned–children: David, Yvette, and Lola. Allegedly, the family was devastated by their sudden, unannounced release. “I always knew that Al considered me a disappointment,” Ms. Turner said, “but this is ridiculous.”

Gonzales pulled another fast one this afternoon when he appeared in front of a Congressional sub-committee to account for his recent mis-conduct; before Senators could pose a single question, the Attorney General stood up and proudly announced his newly-appointed son, Franz, to the assembled crowd.

Infuriated, Sen. Arlen Specter demanded that he address the situation at hand, to which Gonzales threatened (again) to suspend habeas corpus and arrest him; when Specter reminded him that the constitution did not provide him with this authority, Gonzales pled the fifth then fled from the room.

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Franz would later discover that his father’s plane ticket receipt did not include a shared destination to Disney Land.