Tony Fernandez, who tied for second place this week on Jeopardy, has recently filed a restraining order against host Alex Trebek, citing “irreconcilable differences, conflicts of opinion, and a conspiracy of Kennedian proportions.”
Fernandez, a mild-mannered native of Cuba, emigrated to the United States decades ago; an avid trivia buff, he cites American game shows as formative influences in his mastery of the English language. His older brother, Francis, recalls that, from a very early age, “Tony asked a lot of questions…in fact, he often insisted that others phrase their sentences in the form of a question, and when they didn’t, he would ignore them, often for days at at time, until they finally caught on.”
Tony Fernandez was available only to pose questions–not answer them.
Several months ago, Mr. Hernandez finally achieved his lifelong dream; having qualified for the show, he made every effort to ensure a winning match, practicing night and day without ever once letting his guard down…even during a pre-game Q&A:
“Who is the Number One contestant so far this year?” Hernandez asked reporters, “Who is your daddy?” When one interviewer tried to answer his question, Tony stormed off and sulked for an hour.
During the brief introduction period, Hernandez noticed that Alex Trebek slighted him, posing two questions for both of his opponents, Doug Hicton and Ben Gabbard, but only one to him. So, as soon as Trebek chatted with Hicton about his salt and pepper shaker collection, Tony muttered into his microphone: “who can shake me? Who is nobody?”
During the match, Hernandez held his own, smiling politely and asking his opponents, “Who is the champ now? Could it be me?” But, soon enough, the tide turned against him, and Tony began to lose his typical composure, asking Alex questions with absolutely no relevance to the answers provided: “Who is out to get to me?” “Who is a snide Canadian with all the answers?” “Who has a fitness-center tan?”
Going into “Final Jeopardy,” Hicton had secured a lead of more than $10,000 over his competitors; refusing to give in, Hernandez turned to Gabbard and asked him, “who would like to throw in the towel for 5G’s?” Despite his incessant, infuriating questions, Gabbard managed to tie with Hernandez…and Hicton nabbed the win.
Hernandez was inconsolable, insisting that Trebek had staged an elaborate three-person coup to depose him from his position: “who brings only danger and downfalls? Who is the host of jeopardy?”