Corrections from Our Editor…

27 04 2007

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On behalf of the editorial staff at Doubletake, I would like to apologize, first-hand, for several minor oversights that were made over the past six months. I would like to assure our loyal readers that, in spite of my penchant for shameless self-promotion and lack of hygiene, I insist on maintaining only the highest ideals of journalistic integrity–VW.

1. When I mentioned that the Congressional Democrats “dealt a blow” to the Vice President, I in no way meant that to be taken literally. They simply do not have the heart to make such a gesture…and neither does the Vice President.

2. When I used my trademark punctuation sign-off, “-(:)>,” hundreds of readers misinterpreted this as an emoticon representing a perverse sexual act between a man and an alpaca.

3. When I mentioned a “red-hot pajama party,” hosted by Fidel Castro, I in no way meant to disparage the Communist Revolution, its various constituent movements throughout the world, or the delightful alpaca that Chavez donated to the Cuban president.

4. When, several weeks ago, I called Geraldo Rivera “A Large Rare Void,” I was addressing him by his anagrammatic name.

5. When I wrote a recent article on the Chinese building a new wall around Taiwan, I meant “America” and “Iraq” (respectively). I was also under the influence of a massive dose of hashish, mescaline, and a very heady rush of “The O’Reilly Factor.”

Sincerely,

Victor Weinberger, Editor-in-Chief, Doubletake





Congress Threatens President with “No Timetable for Legislative War”

26 04 2007

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D, Arizona) has recently reciprocated the President’s decision to veto Congressional legislation that calls for a clearly defined withdrawal of American troops:

“Two can play at that game,” Mr. Reid said, sublimating every trace of fury into a restrained, diplomatic poker face: “I will see your indefinite war–and raise you a prolonged battle in Congress!”

Reid, an inveterate gambler, has countered the President’s every blunt move with tactics so subtle that no legislative body can enact them. “When the President surged,” he said, in a quiet, modest voice, “we slumped. When he wiped out that terrorist training camp outside of Fallujah, we introduced a new addendum to our last withdrawal mandate. And believe me–he never saw that move coming.”





“The Bank” (starring Paul Wolfowitz)

20 04 2007

The Bank





Chris Rock: Road to the Whitehouse (video)

19 04 2007

SNL – Chris Rock Open





Patrick Stewart on “Extras” (video)

15 04 2007

Patrick Stewart on Extras





Wolfowitz Issues Public Apology and T.M.I.

13 04 2007

Paul Wolfowitz, current head of the World Bank, fled from America two years ago to escape persecution from the Department of Defense. Perched atop the penthouse rooftop of his tax-free chateau in Dubai, Wolfowitz offered a public apology for the exorbitant promotions that he offered his girlfriend, Shaha Riza (whose name, when pronounced in an obscure foreign accent, sounds suspiciously like laughter).

“I made a mistake,” Wolfowitz said, “for which I am sorry.” Expecting a crowd to rival that of the Beatles’ final rooftop concert, he was disappointed when he noticed that only a half dozen drunken American tourists were listening to him, five floors below.

“I never should have appointed Shaha Riza,” he said, starting to chuckle, “I’m sorry. That damn name–it gets me every time.”

“I assure you that nepotism, cronyism, or favoritism never entered into my decision to provide a 70% raise for Ms. Riza. She is not related to me; she is not an old man; and I don’t even favor her that much. But I do lust after her quite often…sometimes even in public.”

At this point, the small crowd became disgusted and dispersed. “T.M.I., dude!” one man yelled, hawking a loogy in Wolfowitz’s general direction.

“I also admit that I appropriated funds from The World Bank to appoint several more young, supple-legged lasses in key positions. Most of their names escape me at the moment, but I recall that we reimbursed them with funds from the humanitarian orphan initiative.”

“Also,” Wolfowitz continued, now addressing an empty street, “I alloted 1 billion dollars to seize empty lands in Darfur to construct a marijuana plantation. For some reason, workers never managed to finish this project on time…and kept demanding food shipments very early in the morning…”





Don Imus To Star in “Highway to Heaven” Remake

10 04 2007

In addition to his two week suspension from CBS Radio and MSNBC, Don Imus must also atone for his racist comments by playing Jonathan Smith, the swaggering, Fonzie-esque angel who descended to earth to save mankind in the hit 80’s television show “Highway to Heaven.”

Imus, who bears an uncanny resemblance to actor Michael Landon, was pegged for the part right after his agent realized that it was highly unlikely that any other offers would come his way in the near future.

In addition, Michael Richards has been cast as his disgruntled, caustic sidekick, Mark Gordon (formerly played by Victor French).

Both actors have signed contracts stipulating that they will not speak–at any moment–in the film. Instead, they must also allow a designated number of racially balanced and morally righteous media pundits to speak on their behalf during press junkets, talk shows, and daily news programs.

It is rumored that Mel Gibson will also play a cameo in the opening scene…as a recovering Driver’s Ed instructor.