On behalf of the editorial staff at Doubletake, I would like to apologize, first-hand, for several minor oversights that were made over the past six months. I would like to assure our loyal readers that, in spite of my penchant for shameless self-promotion and lack of hygiene, I insist on maintaining only the highest ideals of journalistic integrity–VW.
1. When I mentioned that the Congressional Democrats “dealt a blow” to the Vice President, I in no way meant that to be taken literally. They simply do not have the heart to make such a gesture…and neither does the Vice President.
2. When I used my trademark punctuation sign-off, “-(:)>,” hundreds of readers misinterpreted this as an emoticon representing a perverse sexual act between a man and an alpaca.
3. When I mentioned a “red-hot pajama party,” hosted by Fidel Castro, I in no way meant to disparage the Communist Revolution, its various constituent movements throughout the world, or the delightful alpaca that Chavez donated to the Cuban president.
4. When, several weeks ago, I called Geraldo Rivera “A Large Rare Void,” I was addressing him by his anagrammatic name.
5. When I wrote a recent article on the Chinese building a new wall around Taiwan, I meant “America” and “Iraq” (respectively). I was also under the influence of a massive dose of hashish, mescaline, and a very heady rush of “The O’Reilly Factor.”
Victor Weinberger, Editor-in-Chief, Doubletake