Willard X, Fox News
This evening, you can expect light to heavy dread, followed by a calm period of existential ennui. By Thursday, your short-lived state of apathy will be shattered by a tropical depression in the Mediterranean, filling Wednesday’s void with absolute helplessness. Terror alerts will be raised to red. Remain in insulated environments conducive to consumption (cars, malls, etc.).
Drape an American flag over the lintel post outside your domicile. Rapture awaits the faithful.
(Dedicated to Jerry Falwell)