In a landmark decision, a broad coalition of insurgent groups in the Middle East has agreed to lay down all arms against any–and all–enemies until American lawmakers set a fixed timetable for troop withdrawal. As soon as such a date has been clearly determined, terrorists will resume attacks on occupying forces in an organized, efficient manner.
Confirming the President’s predictions, this broad coalition of Sunni, Shiite, Kurdish, Iranian, and Al Qaidish militant factions, has renounced all forms of violence, including suicide bombings, IED’s, artillery fire, and booby traps.
Formerly incapable of organizing, terrorists now exhibit remarkable communication and gathering skills.
Naji Rashid, a registered terrorist, cites practical reasons for the change: “I’m a 9-to-5 guy. When somebody says, ‘Naji: blow up this bridge,’ I have to clear my schedule first, cancel appointments, drop the kids off at school…without a clear idea of exactly when American forces pull out of here, believe me: I’m not bombing anyone.”
Critics claim that elaborate planning would only ruin the element of surprise, that certain “je ne sais quoi” that lends terrorism its frightening appeal. “Not so,” Rashid claims, “I have full health, 401K. Two more years and I’m vested in this organization. You think I’m going to exchange that for rampant destruction and chaos?”