With combined experience of over 800 years in network television, the cast of “60 minutes” boasts a resume of Methuselahian proportions. So it came as no surprise when Jack Kevorkian (a.k.a. “Dr. Death”) decided to make a surprise visit to all six hosts at the same time.
Released early from prison this past week, Kevorkian promised never to perform an assisted suicide on another patient. However, after enduring three consecutive seasons of poor ratings during the show’s Sunday night time slot, CBS executives have decided to enlist Kevorkian to “trim the wrinkles.” At first, Kevorkian misunderstood the offer, mistaking the strange expression for a seductive prison taunt.
Most cast members have not been available for comment. But allegedly, Mike Wallace has made vacation plans and Andy Rooney keeps hearing “an incessant ticking sound” in his office: “Under the floorboards! There–the last faint beats of my fragile heart!” A production assistant, however, reported that the sound was actually the show’s familiar trademark stopwatch.