Ladies and Gentlemen — I want to discuss two vital subjects: First, in light of the recent United States elections last November in which people of faith played a major role, what do people of faith want for their country in the years ahead? And second: the pernicious moral threat that fruity men wearing underwear pose to our god-fearing way of life.
First, the greatest story ever told: Over the past century, the world has been experiencing the most profound revival of the Christian religion in all of history. This has taken place alongside two world wars, the fall of communism, the granting of the vote to right to women and Negroes, and the rise of Nintendo Wii-related activities.
Here are the startling facts. At present, Christianity is by far the world’s largest religion, encompassing one third of the world’s population. Christianity has been and still is growing at a much faster rate than the overall population. Many of these believers clad themselves in underwear, both before and after intercourse.
In 2007, there are 2,335,783,000 Christians in the world. By 2025, global Christianity will explode to 2,640,000,000 adherents. Of these, 799,320,000 will be Pentecostals and Charismatics — a group that could only count several hundred adherents at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. And at least half of these wear all-cotton briefs (renouncing the sinful looseness of boxers).
Now, many of you are probably already aware that Fruit of the Loom marched in the St. Patrick’s Day parade this past March, defiling this dignified, annual religious spectacle with hedonistic behavior that has shaken the very foundation of our Christian values. I need not cite scripture here: do not sample from forbidden fruit. A man dressed as a banana is a heathen. Beware of false apples!