Bush Appoints National Insecurity Advisor

4 12 2007


WASHINGTON: Stephen J. Hadley, a mild-mannered, former insurance salesman from Kalamazoo, Michigan, has gained renown in certain circles (State Farm’s Mile High Club, the Heritage Foundation, subterranean Masonic brotherhoods, etc.), comfortably aware that he was fifth-man-in-waiting in an administrative line of succession that could never turn over that many times…or so he thought. When Condoleeza Rice retired as National Insecurity Advisor in 2005, Hadley was offered the position, but recoiled at first, then paced around in circles, muttering “definitely, O’Reilly Factor, 4 o’clock, definitely” over and over again until aides forcibly relaxed him with sedatives.

This past Monday, in response to overwhelming concerns about nuclear armament in Iran, Hadley faced his first public press-conference (the last four had been held in a sanitized vault on his Montana ranch).
“Now I’m sure that the many of you that are here today—yes, the many, many of you–would like me to explain why Iran has halted its nuclear enrichment program four years after we thought they failed to do so…but now they have succeeded in meeting expectations that we have yet to hold up to the rest of the world ourselves.”

Reporters were stunned, speechless, by Hadley’s candor, an emotion they had not witnessed in at least seven years of federally-embedded press coverage.

” As the President stated today, you’re going to see a lot of repositioning of forces in the next several weeks, and I’m not sure what that means either, but it sounds gravely serious (clears throat): I see they’re giving me the ‘throat-slice’ gesture back there, heh heh (coughs). Boy, next thing you know, they’ll ask me to leave with the same lucrative investment options they lured me into this spot with. Talk about repositioning!”

(A cane materializes, yanks Hadley clean off the platform).




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