Roger Clemens Denies Injecting Steroids into Turkey

According to the Mitchell-Purdue Report, former trainer Brian McNamee claimed he showed Roger Clemens how to inject performance enhancing drugs into a Toronto Blue Jay in 1998, swelling the Canadian fowl some twenty times larger, into a plump–yet succulent–gobbler.

This is Terry (left). This is Terry on drugs (right). Any questions?

“I did not provide Brian McNamee with any drugs to inject into that bird’s body,” Clemens said, in a recent online video. “Brian McNamee did not teach me the occult practice of injecting steroids or human growth hormones into any major league feathered mascot…including orioles.” Clemens stalled at this point, obviously moved. “He did once, however, hold a funnel over my mouth and pour a fifth of Jagermeister into me—but that was off-season.”

Clemens has endured intense media coverage—often at profound personal expense:
“Over the last 15 days or so, it’s been extremely difficult for my family, my children, my extended family,” Clemens said. “I can’t even walk into a Walmart without wearing an orange vest, only to hear the mocking call of a turkey whistle behind the hunting counter. I leave the store only to find that vandals had tarred and feathered my Range Rover, writing butterball across the windshield.”

After seeking every means of help available for Terry (the Toronto Blue Jay), including rehab, Clemens is now seeking a Presidential Pardon for the bird…on Thanksgiving Day, 2008.

Moral Majority Lowers Standards for Nocturnal Emissions

WEDS. 6:16 A.M. WASHINGTON: Arriving fresh from the bedsides of impressionable teenagers, standing members of the Heritage Foundation sought an immediate response from the Federal government concerning nocturnal emissions which, notwithstanding public health warnings, continue to seep into the environment during the wee hours of the morn.

E.P.A. maps confirm that nocturnal emissions occur most frequently during the nighttime hours.

Despite the Moral Majority’s steady limitation of harmful chemicals into the stratosphere by males between ages 11 and 18, precious bodily fluids continue to be produced, released, and (in certain cases) disseminated.

The President’s now-infamous 2001 promise to limit teenage nocturnal emissions 35% by 2007 has fallen far short of expectations. Evangelical Protection Agency (E.P.A.) Administrator Stephen L. Johnson has admitted that “we tried to reach adolescents through promotional ads, syndicated episodes of The 700 Club–even re-runs of The View--but parents kept reporting that nightly incidents continued to occur among their children. In some cases, emissions actually increased—especially in regions of the Midwest (where Bette Middler is unusually erotic). One frustrated teen in Plano, KS. startled his parents at breakfast when he claimed to ‘grab Rosie O’Donnell and her five sisters’ the previous night. Bedsheets confirmed his confession.

The Winterbochers (of Plano, KS.) first noticed that something was wrong when their 16 year old, Norville, claimed to have witnessed Ms. O’Donnell “splashing through an erotic stream of rose petals on the ceiling…”

In order to prohibit further arousal, the E.P.A. has stiffened Federal standards, enforcing an across-the-board policy of detumescence, a term that has posed extraordinary difficulties for California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has had trouble pronouncing it.