WEDS. 6:16 A.M. WASHINGTON: Arriving fresh from the bedsides of impressionable teenagers, standing members of the Heritage Foundation sought an immediate response from the Federal government concerning nocturnal emissions which, notwithstanding public health warnings, continue to seep into the environment during the wee hours of the morn.
E.P.A. maps confirm that nocturnal emissions occur most frequently during the nighttime hours.
Despite the Moral Majority’s steady limitation of harmful chemicals into the stratosphere by males between ages 11 and 18, precious bodily fluids continue to be produced, released, and (in certain cases) disseminated.
The President’s now-infamous 2001 promise to limit teenage nocturnal emissions 35% by 2007 has fallen far short of expectations. Evangelical Protection Agency (E.P.A.) Administrator Stephen L. Johnson has admitted that “we tried to reach adolescents through promotional ads, syndicated episodes of The 700 Club–even re-runs of The View--but parents kept reporting that nightly incidents continued to occur among their children. In some cases, emissions actually increased—especially in regions of the Midwest (where Bette Middler is unusually erotic). One frustrated teen in Plano, KS. startled his parents at breakfast when he claimed to ‘grab Rosie O’Donnell and her five sisters’ the previous night. Bedsheets confirmed his confession.
The Winterbochers (of Plano, KS.) first noticed that something was wrong when their 16 year old, Norville, claimed to have witnessed Ms. O’Donnell “splashing through an erotic stream of rose petals on the ceiling…”
In order to prohibit further arousal, the E.P.A. has stiffened Federal standards, enforcing an across-the-board policy of detumescence, a term that has posed extraordinary difficulties for California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has had trouble pronouncing it.