O’Reilly Fan “Confused By Words”

19 03 2008


O’Reilly’s latest “book” allegedly contains “words”

Balula, AR.: Retired security guard Biff Hanson has been an avid viewer of Fox News’ “O’Reilly Factor” since the show’s inception in 1996. Over the past decade, he has never missed a single episode, priding himself on keeping pace with the world’s most significant events from an honest, forthright perspective. “Bill f**kin’ shows it like it f**kin’ is. All I got to do is watch an’ lissen.”

When asked what he found most compelling about the show, Hanson cited the bold red, white, and blue background of the set, the loud-swooshing sounds, and the regular appearance of large-breasted women, many of whom, he claimed, “talk real nice.” But lately, The O’Reilly Factor has taken on a confusing “scripted” style, including flashes of “words,” which Biff refers to as “conspiracies of letters set out to sabotage America.” One of these alleged assemblies “was shaped like Satan’s a**hole.”


Hanson refuses to watch any other news program, citing a traumatic event during the Gulf War. In the early nineties, he switched from C.N.N. after a ten-hour stand-off in front of the television set with Wolf Blitzer, who refused to move. “He wouldn’t budge, the Nazi bastard. And all the while, that heavy-set colored man sayin’ ‘This is CNN…This is CNN‘ to the sound of drumbeats and orange lights flashing like fiery crosses…I flipped over to 54 and never went back.”




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: