Ben Affleck Raises Public Awareness about Himself in The Congo

26 06 2008

Over the past decade, the American public has slowly but surely unraveled the cryptic, elusive “mystery-wrapped-inside-of-an-enigma” that is Ben Affleck.

We have known him in Boston as Chuckie Sullivan, the brash, ball-busting sidekick in “Good Will Hunting.” We have known him in Hawaii as Captain Rafe McCawley in “Pearl Harbor,” in Las Vegas as Jack Dupree in “Smokin’ Aces,” and even in Texas as that paddle-wielding taunt who got paint-splattered in “Dazed and Confused.” But it’s only recently that Ben Affleck has peeled away yet another layer–this time, to raise public awareness about himself in the Congo.

On Thursday night, ABC’s Nightline aired an exclusive documentary on Mr. Affleck in the Congo, a region which, having suffered the loss of four million people in ten years, can at last find solace in the story of one celebrity’s redemption. The film, based on a journey that Ben’s brother Casey took to Darfur two years ago, features sweeping vistas, live gazelles, and a breath-taking soundtrack with instruments that sound African. Affleck admits that opening up to his fans under such dire circumstances was, at first, very difficult:

“You have to put yourself out there,” he said, “and reveal personal things about yourself to millions of adoring fans who have never even seen me in a movie that has the Congo in it. Sure, they’re on close terms with the Larry Gigli me who kidnaps a retarded man and falls in love with a lesbian assassin, but will they recognize the international rescue worker me who runs a refugee camp for abandoned orphans?”

Ben Affleck’s Inner Gigli

Affleck admits that preparing for the part was the most daunting challenge he has ever faced. “There were days I’d wake up, usually around noon, read over my lines for the day and think, ‘how do I make make that speech stand out with the sounds of gunfire and screaming childless mothers in the background?’ Do I read it right into the camera?–or off to one side like I did in Pearl Harbor :

‘Danny, you can’t die. You can’t die. You know why? ‘Cause you’re gonna be a father. You’re gonna be a daddy. I wasn’t supposed to tell you. You’re gonna be a father.’

Or do I play it like Danny? Or Daddy? I’m not sure. It’s all so nerve-wracking.”

Danny? Daddy? Darfur?


Cheney Linked to Muppet-Abuse Scandal

22 06 2008

After nearly eight years as unofficial chief executive of the United States of America, Dick Cheney has managed to pull the strings of virtually every member of the Bush administration. What critics and pundits have only suspected about him in the past–his closet muppetophila—a former Press Secretary confirmed last Friday:

“George and all the top White House officials who knew the truth had been deceived–and therefore became unwittingly involved in deceiving me. Had any of them noticed that Cheney insisted on walking behind them at all times, either holding a platform under their feet or dangling strings above their heads—well, then, we might have said something. Actually, come to think of it, George almost did notice once–that is, until Karl Rowlf (the Dog) handed him a cookie.”

Scott McClellan (giving the “Pull THIS string” gesture”)

Karl Rowlf’s dedication to Bush bordered on obsession; even Schroeder (from “Peanuts”) admitted that his close friend had a serious problem.

Within days after McClellan’s confession, other muppets began to step forward–of their own volition–including Lewis “Scooter” Libby, whose brief, tortured career in the 1970’s plummeted from the heights of glorified minor celebrity to the depths of lowly production assistant. Indeed, in the past two decades, Scooter has fallen out of the spotlight, joining the ranks of Danny Bonaduce, half the cast of Labrynth, and Beaker (after his crippling crystal meth addiction).

Beaker\'s near-fatal meth-lab accident

Beaker’s near-fatal meth-lab accident.

Retreating to a remote Wyoming ranch in the late 1980’s, Scooter rarely made public appearances, but was also rumored to have rekindled a close friendship with Dick Cheney–both of whom appeared together on “The Muppet Show” in 1979:


Scooter and Dick Cheney share a most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational moment together onstage.

Kermit D. Frog, who preceded McClelland as White House Press Secretary, left Bush I’s administration during the first Gulf War. “Dick totally got out of control,” he sighed, “those were his Dept. of Defense days, so a lot of that high-technology went straight to his head. I didn’t mind the smart bombs or the bunker blasters, but when he started talking about ‘Pigs in Space,’ my lady and I got the hell out of there.”

Around this same time, the heavy metal band “Metallica” released an album that not only would target Cheney as a blood-thirsty warmonger but would also cement the band’s reputation as muppet advocates:

John Donne: Poet by Day, Playa by Night

22 06 2008

She’s all game, and all playas I ;
Nothin’ else is ;
Playas do but play us ; compared to this,
All’s H as a bizzle, all ballin’ a scam.
You, lady, ain’t half as high as me,
In that your herb’s a half-a-dime-bag ;
Your game’s for skeezas, and since that dank’s too dry
To warm the herb, that’s done in warmin’ us.
Smoke here with us, and you are everywhere ;
This crib your center is, these balls your sphere.

–“The Dank’s Risin'” (From The Chronic 1600)

The material above in no way reflects the views of our editors or staff members. In fact, several of our hired underlings found it offensive–Victor Weinberger, Senior Editor, Doubletake

Walmart Employee Arrested for Flaring Customers

19 06 2008

Dieter Kohut (prior to arrest Thursday for exposing over 20 pieces of “flare” to unsuspecting customers)

C.E.O. Ponders Global Domination, Strokes Hairless Cat

18 06 2008

Blankfein, at the helm of Goldman-Sachs, has recently made a number of inappropriate comments, including…

1. Accused chestnuts “of being lazy.”

2. Called another bank president, who happened to be Muslim, “Mustapha,” then burned him alive, then shot him twice.

3. Hired a small, onanistic replica of himself to “stroke hairless cat.”

4. Denied comment as euphemism in #3.

5. After hearing about a fellow investment bank’s collapse, proclaimed: “Dance now, Little Bear (Stearns)! Dance now!”

6. Recommended placing alternative energy executives in a “burlap sack” to be “whipped.” Pretty standard.

7. Demanded a profit of “2.09 beeelion dollars” from the Federal Reserve Board.

8. Denied connections to Adolf Hitler.

9. Denied connections to Robert Zoellick (former C.E.O., Goldman Sacks, current President of The World Bank).

10. Affirmed likeness between Hitler and Zoellick (below):

Grolsch Arranges Historic “Vowel Movement” Into Beer

11 06 2008

AMSTERDAM: After nearly four centuries of proud vowelessness, the executives of Grolsch have finally reached a consensus and decided to have a long-overdue vowel movement into the title of their beer. The company was originally opened in 1615 on the IJJklmnhm River by a pair of burghers, Jhn and Frnk, whom local villagers considered mad (their first abortive effort, a solar mill, closed after one week).

The Grolsch Family Solar Mill was soon converted…after the discovery of wind

Within a few years, however, patrons could be found lining up outside their small distillery, quaffing pints of the consonant-rich brew…the rest, as they say, is history.

The Grolsch Family’s failure to communicate was legendary. Simple tasks, as depicted in this painting “The Cupboard Watch,” could become daunting, all-day events.

Jhn Jcb Grolsch, the last living descendant of the family, reluctantly agreed on Monday to accept the overwhelming pressure of his fellow stockholders: “It pains me greatly,” he said, “and it pains my family greatly, too, since none of us, for three hundred years, has have ever had a vowel movement. Imagine my relief, when I finally heard the word ‘Groolsch.’ A great weight had been released from me and washed gently down the drain.”

Brit Hume Urges Fans To Hate the Game, Not The Playa

11 06 2008


Hume, veteran playa, drops game face for skeezas, skanks, and hos

Brit Hume, Managing Editor of the Fox News Channel, has always met the challenges of anchoring Fox News with rugged, manly aplomb. His blunt style and monosyllabic, guttural responses strike a chord with viewers who simply don’t have the time to parse complex ideas.

Moreover, Brit’s smooveness as a playa has become legendary: freakin’ on the weekends with Daughters of the Revolution, pounding Courvoisier and Geritol, hosting all-night bocce ball tournaments…

“If you’re gonna hate the playa,” Mr. Hume assures his rabid fan base, “you might as well hate the bowl he cuts his hair with. You may as well hate his 401K. You may as well hate the three servings of fiber in his diet.” At this point, Hume lifts himself up out of his stroller and brandishes a nine iron with a Lands-End Burberry sleeve over his head: “And if you going to hate the three servings of fiber in his diet, then, hell, b**tches, you better off hatin’ the game.”