AMSTERDAM: After nearly four centuries of proud vowelessness, the executives of Grolsch have finally reached a consensus and decided to have a long-overdue vowel movement into the title of their beer. The company was originally opened in 1615 on the IJJklmnhm River by a pair of burghers, Jhn and Frnk, whom local villagers considered mad (their first abortive effort, a solar mill, closed after one week).
The Grolsch Family Solar Mill was soon converted…after the discovery of wind
Within a few years, however, patrons could be found lining up outside their small distillery, quaffing pints of the consonant-rich brew…the rest, as they say, is history.
The Grolsch Family’s failure to communicate was legendary. Simple tasks, as depicted in this painting “The Cupboard Watch,” could become daunting, all-day events.
Jhn Jcb Grolsch, the last living descendant of the family, reluctantly agreed on Monday to accept the overwhelming pressure of his fellow stockholders: “It pains me greatly,” he said, “and it pains my family greatly, too, since none of us, for three hundred years, has have ever had a vowel movement. Imagine my relief, when I finally heard the word ‘Groolsch.’ A great weight had been released from me and washed gently down the drain.”