WASHINGTON: For decades, Uncle Sam’s two spoiled-rotten children, Fannie & Freddie Mae, have provided America’s housing market with laughs aplenty: the “low-interest rate” gags! The zany lobbying pranks in the Senate! The Bullying of smaller banks during Congressional recess!
As Fannie “wedgies” Freddie during a House hearing, Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke mirror America’s own tragic fixation with the housing market…and wedgies.
Until recently…when, as a last resort, the Federal government took over the two pesky, meddling banks and granted exclusive conservatorship to Bernie Mac, whose extensive experience with tanning the hides of recalcitrant children needs no introduction.
Bernie agreed to adopt both Fannie and Freddie, but only under certain conditions that must be met…or else he promised “to beat the living bejesus out of both of ’em”:
- Do no touch my HDTV, my CD, my DVD, my FCC, my FRB, my old school, my new school, my happy jams, my crappy jams. You got it?
- Freddie’s gonna have a case of “assus beatus redus”. That’s Latin for I’m gonna beat his ass until it glows.
- I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there’s one a few miles away from here…ha, ha, ha! (Oh, wait: they’ve already told that joke…on AMERICA).
- You got Dracula – a wooden stake; Wolfman – a silver bullet. Countrywide: unavailable credit. But little children, a belt. Wait a minute. I don’t need a belt.