How do I tell Dad I think he’s a Drug-Mule?

11 08 2008

Son of Chico wants to intervene, if–and only if–Dad is indeed a drug mule

Don’t get me wrong: I love my dad…but I think he might be a drug-mule.

I first had my suspicions when dad came home from work, four hours past his curfew, reeking of hashish and Old English. He insisted that I call him “Chico,” then passed out in the guest bathroom. Half an hour later, there was a knock at the door. Immersed in a marathon stretch of “Dancing with the Stars,” suffice it to say, I was in no mood to abandon my spot.

The man at the door was six-foot-four and hirsute. He demanded to speak to my father.

“You mean, Chico?” I asked. Within seconds, the man had me in a choke-hold and started pummeling me. He threatened me in Spanish, or at least I think it was Spanish. My two years of French in high school did not facilitate the negotiation process.

He bound me to the armoire–a sensation that I found not altogether unpleasant–then asked for my father again. I’m not sure what followed in our conversation…was it a coded initiation into a life of crime? Harmless banter about 1970’s prime-time television?

“Ese, strada.”

“Estrada. Qui, Eric est tres macho.”

“Oye tio! No es un amigo mio. Y te papi?”

“Dans le salles de bannes.”

Mon-tel-ban? Ricardo?”


“Ricardo Montelban?”

“Non. Tatoo.”

“Ah, si. Tatoo. The Plane, the plane.”

A few minutes later, dad limped out of the bathroom, where he’d been busy retrieving the goods. The man shrugged. All was business as usual: just another simple transaction with a card-carrying member of AARP who wedged half-a-kilo inside his body cavity.

But still…something doesn’t sit well inside of me. I’m not 100 percent certain, but something tells me that Chico just might be a drug mule. It’s possible, of course, that I’m reading too much into this. He is retired, afterall. And those AARP trips sure mean a lot to him.

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Terrorists Expose Themselves to Americans

16 02 2008


In a dramatic, tour-de-force reversal, Terrorists™ exposed themselves to Americans this past Saturday in Long Beach, CA. Shucking their Islamo-fascist uniforms, the diabolical extremists turned their backsides on freedom, then absconded to a nudist colony/cell.

Americans, who have exposed themselves to terrorism on numerous occassions, never expected that the terrorists would strike back.

Child Stars Teeter over Abyss of Substance Abuse and Sexual Deviance…

16 07 2007


…Heroic Recovery will be Featured on Future VH1 Retrospective

Spiders on Drugs

2 07 2007

Spiders On Drugs