Greenspan Predicts Own Unemployment will hit 100%

4 10 2009

Greenspan

New York.

— Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan predicted Sunday that his own personal unemployment will rise to 100% by January, 2010. Speaking to George Stephanopoulos, on ABC’s “This Week,” Greenspan said there are few signs that his employment figures would rise at any point in the near future, in large part because he has exchanged his public role as protector of the national economy for golfing, bird-watching, and nuzzling with his wife, Andrea Mitchell (whom he describes as his “stimulus package”).

“My own hunch is that I’m going to penetrate the 95% barrier and stay there for a while before I really slow down,” he told Mr. Stephanopoulos.

“What accounts for your remaining 5% employment?”

“At the moment, this interview…but as soon as it’s over, I should have no problem breaking the barrier.”

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C.E.O. Ponders Global Domination, Strokes Hairless Cat

18 06 2008

Blankfein, at the helm of Goldman-Sachs, has recently made a number of inappropriate comments, including…

1. Accused chestnuts “of being lazy.”

2. Called another bank president, who happened to be Muslim, “Mustapha,” then burned him alive, then shot him twice.

3. Hired a small, onanistic replica of himself to “stroke hairless cat.”

4. Denied comment as euphemism in #3.

5. After hearing about a fellow investment bank’s collapse, proclaimed: “Dance now, Little Bear (Stearns)! Dance now!”

6. Recommended placing alternative energy executives in a “burlap sack” to be “whipped.” Pretty standard.

7. Demanded a profit of “2.09 beeelion dollars” from the Federal Reserve Board.

8. Denied connections to Adolf Hitler.

9. Denied connections to Robert Zoellick (former C.E.O., Goldman Sacks, current President of The World Bank).

10. Affirmed likeness between Hitler and Zoellick (below):