Sarah Palin: The Next Phase in the Party’s Evolution

1 09 2008

Fearing the demise of her own species, Sarah Palin (seen here on a baby-seal-clubbing expedition) opposes evolutionism.

She has swept simian beauty pageants. Hitchhiked without using a (pre-hensile) thumb. Coupled with her life-long (running) mate in the Alaska wildlife refuge. And her banana peeling skills are said to be legendary.

She is Sarah Palin, the presumptive Republican vice presidential candidate for the 2008 Election.

She is a beauty contest winner, an expert sharpshooter, an obedient wife, and a proud mother. Every Sunday at her Pentecostal church, she can be found thumping her chest and swinging from the rafters, railing against the evils of evolution…for obvious reasons. Many members of her Alaskan cabinet of Intelligent Design have supported her views, though they lack the ability to hear, see, or speak about the complexities of the real world outside of their insulated habitat:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil…

However, one survivor has seen, first-hand, the negative, global impact of this governor’s environmental policies…





Obama Wins Washington Lotto Caucus

10 02 2008

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A stunned Obama holds the winning ball (#23) during Saturday’s Lotto Caucus in Olympia

WASHINGTON STATE: Feb. 9: On Saturday night, Senator Barack Obama became the first African American to win the Washington primary/State Powerball election. “I am so ecstatic right now,” Obama raved to a crowd of 35,000 Washingtonians, many of whom resented the Illinois State senator for choosing the winning number. “I know what you’re thinking: he’s got my lucky number. But in these past few weeks, I’ve noticed something about Americans all across this great land…

I’ve heard from seniors in Seattle who bet their pensions on weekly lotteries, including Elroy Berdahl, who spent over $58,000 only to pull a number 4 in the last election.

I’ve heard from Maytag workers, competing with Walmart employees, who had to mortgage their 2nd homes on lucky 8…” (etc.)

Since 1938, Washington State has insisted on holding caucuses that involve no voting machines, no ballots, and no direct public participation. Instead, this exceptional caucus relies upon an elaborate contraption called the LottoCycle, a patented wheel-and-shooter system powered by several hundred hamsters trained to stop at the precise moment when the balls of Fate must descend into the hands of the winner.

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The LottoCycle offers voters the consolation of knowing, with absolute certainty, that their vote really IS left up to chance…