Nation Still Struggling to Recover From 7-Year Colonoscopy

22 07 2007



Wrist Strain Mysteriously Increases Among Male Population

6 07 2007

Reported incidents of Profound Wrist Strain (PWS) have sky-rocketed in the last six months. Public health officials have yet to determine the exact cause for this phenomenon but have ruled out self-fondling: a primitive practice resulting in blindness, irritability, and death.

Starbucks Unveils Cure to Constipation

10 06 2007

Health experts have recently discovered that dark, thick coffee provides relief from gout, liver cancer, and tuberculosis–three of the most deadly diseases of the late 19th century. Capitalizing on these health benefits, Starbucks has now unveiled “The Procto-cino,” a concoction so potent in fiber that it cures constipation within 30 minutes or less.

Starbucks’ Procto-cino provides not one, not two, but THREE scoops o’ colon-cleansin’ beans in every cup.

Prince “will pose no public health risk” during Superbowl Halftime Show

26 12 2006

In light of recent concerns over Prince’s upcoming performance at the 2007 Superbowl Halftime Show, authorities have assured the press that every measure will be taken to protect the public weal from licentious and lewd behavior. American audiences, still reeling from the moral fallout of the Jackson-Timberlake bodice-ripping of 2004, have become increasingly wary of sexual and criminal misconduct among the young.

Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the National Football League, announced yesterday that “Prince has been fully compliant with our demands. He has agreed to contain himself on stage, regardless of whatever incarnation he may become subject to–or object of.” Monitoring Prince and his entourage closely, NFL officials have screened every aspect of this production for appropriate set design, wardrobe, dance routines, and song selections.

Prince is under strict, contractual obligations not to:

(1) play songs with suggestive titles, such as “Purple Rain” (slang for gonorrhea) or “Little Red Corvette” (an allusion to genitalia)

(2) remove his own clothing–or allow any member of his entourage to remove his clothing–or remove any member of his entourage’s clothing

(3) gyrate any part of his body remotely associated with physical intimacy

(4) behave in an effeminate or androgynous manner

(5) expose his tongue on stage

If any of these rules are violated, handlers will immediately secure the area and escort Prince away from the premises.

Schwarzenegger Rushed to Cybernetic Lab

24 12 2006

SUN VALEY, ID. Yesterday, an idyllic family ski trip took a tragic turn when Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg after jumping off the roof of the Sonny Bono Happy Trails Private Resort. Schwarzenegger had allegedly been sitting around a fireplace with his wife and children, sharing Austrian nursery rhymes, when a squad of security officers appeared. Mistaking them for special forces operatives, the Governor immediately rushed up six flights of stairs and emerged on the roof. With a hunting rifle, he managed to ‘kneecap’ six of the seven officers then leapt off the building and landed on the seventh.

Cryo-Labs, Inc. has built a solid reputation for preserving cybernetic prostheses from the not-too-distant apocalyptic future.

The Governor was rushed, by helicopter, to Cryo-Labs, Inc. in Sunnydale, California–a corporation with close ties to Google’s future markets. There, under a thick veil of secrecy, doctors repaired Schwarzenegger’s leg and, after several minor adjustments, returned him to the state capitol.