Local Texas Rancher Blasts Dead Spy Satellite

21 02 2008

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CRAWFORD, TX.: Local rancher, snake charmer, and huckster Louis Burton Lindley, Jr. went “toe-to-toe” with a wayward satellite this past Wednesday. No traces of the satellite, Lindsey, or the surface-to-air missile Lindsey was last seen mounting, could be found. However, Lindsey’s spokesman shared his last words with the press:

“Now, look boys…I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin’ on you and by golly, we ain’t about to let ’em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I’d say that you’re all in line for some important promotions and lobbying positions when this thing’s over with. That goes for ever’ last one of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let’s get this thing on the hump — we got some flyin’ to do.”

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NASA Fires Official Mascot

29 07 2007

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After nearly fifty years of serving as NASA’s official mascot, “Keggy the Keg” has been fired by the organization that claims to have launched sober human beings into space. Citing “irreconcilable differences,” the adored icon of impressionable children everywhere left Cape Canaveral on Thursday “in search of a real party.”

Later that night, security guards at Disney World discovered Keggy smoking what appeared to be a “tobacco cigarette,” a once-popular form of contraband. Disney denies ever having sold, promoted–or filmed the mascot smoking–the product, which would violate its strict, zero-tolerance policy for all employees.

Lindsay Lohan was unavailable for comment.

 





NASA Officials “Totally Caught Off-Guard” by Nowak Plot

8 02 2007

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Described by fellow astronauts as “mild-mannered and discreet,” Cpt. Lisa Nowak exemplified NASA decorum.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL.: Having been charged with kidnapping, attempted murder, and battery, Captain Lisa Nowak would seem to set a new landmark for astronauts, an elite class of emotionally stable individuals who enjoy long absences from other people in the deep recesses of the cosmic void.

NASA officials admit to being “totally caught off-guard” by Nowak’s secret plot to abduct and murder Colleen Shipman, an apparent romantic rival for Bill Oefelein (a fellow astronaut both women met at an NRA rally).

“She was always very quiet, diligent, mild-mannered, and discreet,” Mr. Oefelein said, “she never once flinched at the target range. She could lock and load an AK-47 in less than nine seconds…and she was a pretty good astronaut, too.”

NASA has maintained a rigorous program of psychiatric testing to screen applicants for the space program. However, officials do not recall anything striking about Nowak’s behavior or habits. Dr. Felix Libidinalsky, head of the National Institute of Professional PsyhiatrY (NIPPY), administered several of her tests, and admired the results: “she had the perfect disposition: quiet, deliberate, emotionally detached, and capable of traveling extensive distances without a single bathroom break.”

 

When asked to describe the following inkblot, all responses seem relatively tame: a majority of astronauts saw “two foreign nations joined in peaceful exploration”; likewise, Cpt. Nowak discerned “two praying mantises competing for the severed head of a male.”

“She once held it for 500 miles during a round-trip journey to the International Space Station,” Libidinalsky continued, “in order to meet a Russian cosmonaut, Sergei Ivanovich, before the Canadians arrived.”

Texas law enforcement officials, unfortunately, failed to connect Nowak’s mission in space to her mission on earth. But Bill Oefelein, who has seen Texas from outer space, admits that the two are very similar: “there’s this massive, timeless void where you pretty much can get away with anything. Space: the final frontier.”