South Carolina Governor Admits Extra-Marital Affair with Alpaca

24 06 2009

“Where’s The Governor??”

gov and alpaca

Gov. Sanford was spotted on Saturday, with Tita, at a quiet venue in Buenos Aires..Can you spot the Governor and Tita in the crowd below?

(Buenos Aires) — South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, having recently returned from a secret trip to Argentina, admitted Wednesday that he has been involved in an extra-marital affair…with an alpaca.

“I’ve been unfaithful to my wife,” Sanford told reporters in Columbia, the state capital. “I developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina. She is approximately six feet tall, woolly, and plush. Her name is Tita.”

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Sanford Power Plant

Tita (left) and the Governor (right)

The affair began last year when Sanford was asked to pet-sit for his neighbor, Paul, a local sheep farmer. “If I had known that there had been an alpaca, I never would have…” he trailed off, overcome with emotion, “if it had been a ram or–hell, even a llama, this tragic affair might have been averted.”

In a statement issued Wednesday, Sanford’s wife claimed that she had complained two months earlier that “Tita is clearly not a hypoallergenic animal,” then politely requested that both of them move out.

“I deeply regret any harm that I have brought upon my wife, my children, and my dear, dear friend from Argentina. She is greatly troubled by these recent events and respectfully asks that reporters keep their distance or else risk the wrath of her spittle. If provoked, she may wark or orgle. These are noises that the two of us would like to keep to ourselves, like the private sounds of two, consensual mammals.”

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NGC Cancels Spin-off: “Dog Heavy Breatherer”

28 12 2007

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After a six-week pilot, Cesar Millan’s “Dog Heavy Breatherer” was canceled this past Thursday; The National Geographic Channel cited irreconcilable differences with Millan, who insisted that making late-night, obscene phone calls to pets, riddled with discipline problems, was the only surefire way to set them on the road to recovery.




Single Mother of Nine Sues Disney

16 05 2007

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A single mother of nine has sued Walt Disney, alleging that the resort lured her and her son, Brodie, into a ten-year, minimum wage contract (with unpaid potty breaks and no treats). The lawsuit claims that Bailey (the mother) suffered “psychological distress,” hired on a mere month after eight of her nontuplets were deported to the Labrador Islands.