Obama Appoints Czar Czar

12 06 2009

In the past several months, President Obama has appointed a wide array of bureaucratic chiefs–or, “czars”–to reform various parts of our struggling economy and crumbling administrative infrastructure. The appointments include a drug czar, a web czar, a car czar, a health czar, a bar czar, and a spa czar. Last week, Obama inaugurated an annual Czar-Bazaar to address members of his czardom. Surrounded by some 110 czars, however, the President became so overwhelmed that he forgot several of their names, confusing the Yar Czar (for peglegged sailors) with the Babar Czar (for threatening elephants).

meeting czar1

To simplify matters, Obama decided to appoint a new leader to regulate the booming czar industry. “Too many czars are out of work,” he told listeners during his weekly radio address, “and those czars deserve new jobs, benefits, and cozy sinecures. But without a leader–a czar czar–then how can these czars succeed? How they compete in a czar-eat-czar economy?”

czar czar ivan

The new Czar Czar, Ivan, anxiously awaits his appointment. In  anticipation, he devoured several interns and a page.





Palin Congratulates President Elect From the Country of Africa

8 11 2008

palin-family

After church, Palin’s family posed for this picture, on the Alaskan coastline. Palin would later identify Libya in the background.

After two months of arduous campaigning–the My-Fair-Lady-coaching, the six-figure wardrobing, the Katie-Couric-catfight-to-end-all-catfights, etc.–Sarah Palin finally joined John McCain in conceding their party’s nomination to President Elect Barack Obama.

Returning to her office in Anchorage with several McC-aides, the state governor stood in front of a bay window that offered a breathtaking view of the shores of Tripoli, then sighed. “Y’know, I think this may be a historic moment for the North African Free Trade Agreement.” (An aide tried to correct her, but she roguely slapped him across the face). “Their country has never appointed a President, so we should welcome Obama to this continent with open arms.”

Palin’s comments puzzled reporters, who sought to broach the topic of foreign relations with her. She stood on the other side of her governor’s desk, flipping through a magazine. There were eight children in the room, some crawling, others drooling. One was named after a snowmobile company.

A reporter politely asked her what she was reading, and, unable to muster a reply, she started to cry. “If Todd were here” (her husband was out seal-clubbing) “he would tell you what a strain this has been on our family…not to mention our nation. Between Russia rearing its head in our airspace and Africa popping up on our border, foreign relations have become impossible around here.” Noticing the stunned look on reporters’ faces, Gov. Palin pulled down a screen-map of the Bering Strait. “Now do you see? Africa has moved into our sea space!” she cried, her voice reaching a frantic pitch. She began to babble, then speak in tongues.

This reporter, for one, hightailed it out of there. You betcha.

berring-strait21





Six Trillion Dollar Man Rescued in Historic Bailout

28 09 2008

WASHINGTON: Convening last week for a special session at the White House, Congress agreed to release the legendary “Six Trillion Dollar Man” from captivity. After eight years behind presidential bars, the man (who answers only to monosyllabic grunts, like “W”) has largely remained remote from the general public, which–as his close trainers claim–he fears for its harsh demands for taxes on the wealthy and their glutted corporations.

“W,” who declined an interview with Doubletake (but did gnaw on one of our cameraman’s ears–leaving a mark) replaced the Six Million Dollar Man in 1978 when Steve Austin’s no-bid construction contract with Halliburton expired. Since that time, W has been upgraded twice, in proportion to the amount of debt that he’s amassed along the way (in 2000, Y2-W was re-tooled as the 6 Billion Dollar Man and, after the recent mortgage/bank crises, he has assumed the mantle of 6TDM).

“The Fall Guy” (after cryogenic-hip-replacement surgery)

Top investment banks, which previously bank-rolled the current administration’s rise-to-power, now crumble in the wake of a meltdown that can be traced to the overly inflated price tag of the current administration’s titular tit-head.

“But taxpayers need not be too concerned,” Republican candidate John McCain observed on Thursday, at the White House, “I have a fool-proof plan to get our country back on track.” Anxious Congressional representatives huddled around Senator McCain, who stood calmly next to a shrouded figure. McCain waited until Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen fell to both knees at Nancy Pelosi’s feet, then whisked the shroud away:

“Behold: the Bionic Woman!”





Sarah Palin: The Next Phase in the Party’s Evolution

1 09 2008

Fearing the demise of her own species, Sarah Palin (seen here on a baby-seal-clubbing expedition) opposes evolutionism.

She has swept simian beauty pageants. Hitchhiked without using a (pre-hensile) thumb. Coupled with her life-long (running) mate in the Alaska wildlife refuge. And her banana peeling skills are said to be legendary.

She is Sarah Palin, the presumptive Republican vice presidential candidate for the 2008 Election.

She is a beauty contest winner, an expert sharpshooter, an obedient wife, and a proud mother. Every Sunday at her Pentecostal church, she can be found thumping her chest and swinging from the rafters, railing against the evils of evolution…for obvious reasons. Many members of her Alaskan cabinet of Intelligent Design have supported her views, though they lack the ability to hear, see, or speak about the complexities of the real world outside of their insulated habitat:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil…

However, one survivor has seen, first-hand, the negative, global impact of this governor’s environmental policies…





Bush Leaves Nation Twelve Digit IOU

29 07 2008

WASHINGTON: Despite mounting concerns over our nation’s current economic crises (in crumbling housing markets, sky-rocketing gas prices, and rising penalties on nocturnal emissions), the President put his cabinet at ease this afternoon by offering a “bona-fide gare-ahn-tee” that he would remunerate the 1/2 trillion dollars owed by his current administration.

“Look here,” he said, “I know we’ve racked up a pretty penny here, but I have taken measures to pay back every yen–ahem–dollar. Now a standard, government-issued I.O.U. just ain’t going to cut it, so we’ve added a few extra O’s. Why? Because I owe you so big that I oooooooooooowe you.”

At this point, Ed McMahon (of Publisher’s Clearing House) appeared with his latest wife, Yvette, and a giant-sized check.

Yvette may or may not be pictured here (depending on the reliability of Ed’s memory)

“Yes!” Ed laughed, handing the check off to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen, “You, sir, are correct!”

Standing in front of the cameras, Paulsen held up the first-ever, government-issued

I, OOO,OOO,OOO,OOO,U





Cheney Linked to Muppet-Abuse Scandal

22 06 2008

After nearly eight years as unofficial chief executive of the United States of America, Dick Cheney has managed to pull the strings of virtually every member of the Bush administration. What critics and pundits have only suspected about him in the past–his closet muppetophila—a former Press Secretary confirmed last Friday:

“George and all the top White House officials who knew the truth had been deceived–and therefore became unwittingly involved in deceiving me. Had any of them noticed that Cheney insisted on walking behind them at all times, either holding a platform under their feet or dangling strings above their heads—well, then, we might have said something. Actually, come to think of it, George almost did notice once–that is, until Karl Rowlf (the Dog) handed him a cookie.”

Scott McClellan (giving the “Pull THIS string” gesture”)

Karl Rowlf’s dedication to Bush bordered on obsession; even Schroeder (from “Peanuts”) admitted that his close friend had a serious problem.

Within days after McClellan’s confession, other muppets began to step forward–of their own volition–including Lewis “Scooter” Libby, whose brief, tortured career in the 1970’s plummeted from the heights of glorified minor celebrity to the depths of lowly production assistant. Indeed, in the past two decades, Scooter has fallen out of the spotlight, joining the ranks of Danny Bonaduce, half the cast of Labrynth, and Beaker (after his crippling crystal meth addiction).

Beaker\'s near-fatal meth-lab accident

Beaker’s near-fatal meth-lab accident.

Retreating to a remote Wyoming ranch in the late 1980’s, Scooter rarely made public appearances, but was also rumored to have rekindled a close friendship with Dick Cheney–both of whom appeared together on “The Muppet Show” in 1979:

scooter3.JPG

Scooter and Dick Cheney share a most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational moment together onstage.

Kermit D. Frog, who preceded McClelland as White House Press Secretary, left Bush I’s administration during the first Gulf War. “Dick totally got out of control,” he sighed, “those were his Dept. of Defense days, so a lot of that high-technology went straight to his head. I didn’t mind the smart bombs or the bunker blasters, but when he started talking about ‘Pigs in Space,’ my lady and I got the hell out of there.”

Around this same time, the heavy metal band “Metallica” released an album that not only would target Cheney as a blood-thirsty warmonger but would also cement the band’s reputation as muppet advocates:






Fist-Bump Craze: Catchy but Deadly

10 06 2008

“A fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab? … We’ll show you some interesting body communication and find out what it really says.”

–E.D. Hill, Fox News (30 seconds before consulting Fox’s renowned “body language expert”)

Terrofist: bumping

Hilary’s West Virginian White Voters, Beware!

F-B, baby.

Fisting America Since 2000

You need a bump? Say hello to my leetle feest-bump!