Palin Congratulates President Elect From the Country of Africa

After church, Palin’s family posed for this picture, on the Alaskan coastline. Palin would later identify Libya in the background.

After two months of arduous campaigning–the My-Fair-Lady-coaching, the six-figure wardrobing, the Katie-Couric-catfight-to-end-all-catfights, etc.–Sarah Palin finally joined John McCain in conceding their party’s nomination to President Elect Barack Obama.

Returning to her office in Anchorage with several McC-aides, the state governor stood in front of a bay window that offered a breathtaking view of the shores of Tripoli, then sighed. “Y’know, I think this may be a historic moment for the North African Free Trade Agreement.” (An aide tried to correct her, but she roguely slapped him across the face). “Their country has never appointed a President, so we should welcome Obama to this continent with open arms.”

Palin’s comments puzzled reporters, who sought to broach the topic of foreign relations with her. She stood on the other side of her governor’s desk, flipping through a magazine. There were eight children in the room, some crawling, others drooling. One was named after a snowmobile company.

A reporter politely asked her what she was reading, and, unable to muster a reply, she started to cry. “If Todd were here” (her husband was out seal-clubbing) “he would tell you what a strain this has been on our family…not to mention our nation. Between Russia rearing its head in our airspace and Africa popping up on our border, foreign relations have become impossible around here.” Noticing the stunned look on reporters’ faces, Gov. Palin pulled down a screen-map of the Bering Strait. “Now do you see? Africa has moved into our sea space!” she cried, her voice reaching a frantic pitch. She began to babble, then speak in tongues.

This reporter, for one, hightailed it out of there. You betcha.

Corrections from Our Editor…

On behalf of the editorial staff at Doubletake, I would like to apologize, first-hand, for several minor oversights that were made over the past six months. I would like to assure our loyal readers that, in spite of my penchant for shameless self-promotion and lack of hygiene, I insist on maintaining only the highest ideals of journalistic integrity–VW.

1. When I mentioned that the Congressional Democrats “dealt a blow” to the Vice President, I in no way meant that to be taken literally. They simply do not have the heart to make such a gesture…and neither does the Vice President.

2. When I used my trademark punctuation sign-off, “-(:)>,” hundreds of readers misinterpreted this as an emoticon representing a perverse sexual act between a man and an alpaca.

3. When I mentioned a “red-hot pajama party,” hosted by Fidel Castro, I in no way meant to disparage the Communist Revolution, its various constituent movements throughout the world, or the delightful alpaca that Chavez donated to the Cuban president.

4. When, several weeks ago, I called Geraldo Rivera “A Large Rare Void,” I was addressing him by his anagrammatic name.

5. When I wrote a recent article on the Chinese building a new wall around Taiwan, I meant “America” and “Iraq” (respectively). I was also under the influence of a massive dose of hashish, mescaline, and a very heady rush of “The O’Reilly Factor.”

Sincerely,

Victor Weinberger, Editor-in-Chief, Doubletake

Litvinenko Murder Traced to The Olive Garden

INDIANAPOLIS: After weeks of intensive investigations, Alexander Litvinenko’s tragic radiation poisoning has been traced to an Olive Branch location in Indianapolis. It was there, Kremlin officials claim, that Litvinenko ingested a fatal dose of Poloninium after enduring a mad-dash rush for the salad bar, leaving absolutely no record of his whereabouts, and hopping on a private plane to an un-disclosed location in England.