Sarah Palin: The Next Phase in the Party’s Evolution

1 09 2008

Fearing the demise of her own species, Sarah Palin (seen here on a baby-seal-clubbing expedition) opposes evolutionism.

She has swept simian beauty pageants. Hitchhiked without using a (pre-hensile) thumb. Coupled with her life-long (running) mate in the Alaska wildlife refuge. And her banana peeling skills are said to be legendary.

She is Sarah Palin, the presumptive Republican vice presidential candidate for the 2008 Election.

She is a beauty contest winner, an expert sharpshooter, an obedient wife, and a proud mother. Every Sunday at her Pentecostal church, she can be found thumping her chest and swinging from the rafters, railing against the evils of evolution…for obvious reasons. Many members of her Alaskan cabinet of Intelligent Design have supported her views, though they lack the ability to hear, see, or speak about the complexities of the real world outside of their insulated habitat:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil…

However, one survivor has seen, first-hand, the negative, global impact of this governor’s environmental policies…





Erectile Dysfunction Linked to Frustration

21 05 2008

Scientists have now confirmed that Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.) is linked, perversely proportionally, to symptoms of sexual frustration.

The test subjects, only one of whom could be reached for comment, allegedly admitted that E.D. “had let me down at a crucial moment. Sh*t--After the flesh I lost, they should call that f***er E.D. Amin.”

The scientists, who have successfully linked ED to all kinds of diseases and disorders (including lymphoma and pole-straddling), had not yet considered a relation to either frustration experienced during sexual activity or to the deceased cannibalistic Ugandan dictator.





Wrist Strain Mysteriously Increases Among Male Population

6 07 2007

Reported incidents of Profound Wrist Strain (PWS) have sky-rocketed in the last six months. Public health officials have yet to determine the exact cause for this phenomenon but have ruled out self-fondling: a primitive practice resulting in blindness, irritability, and death.





Spiders on Drugs

2 07 2007


Spiders On Drugs





Starbucks Unveils Cure to Constipation

10 06 2007

Health experts have recently discovered that dark, thick coffee provides relief from gout, liver cancer, and tuberculosis–three of the most deadly diseases of the late 19th century. Capitalizing on these health benefits, Starbucks has now unveiled “The Procto-cino,” a concoction so potent in fiber that it cures constipation within 30 minutes or less.

Starbucks’ Procto-cino provides not one, not two, but THREE scoops o’ colon-cleansin’ beans in every cup.





Gore Requests Restraining Order for Branson

10 02 2007

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Un-invited to a press-conference, Branson joins Gore in assuring reporters that “the world is safely in our hands.”

LONDON: Former Vice President Al Gore has maintained a consistent stance on the environment, traveling the world to advocate for increased restrictions on various contaminants contributing to air, water, and land pollution. He has also maintained a consistent stance on his own independence from “roomies,” a series of testosterone-addled alpha-males who, over the past four decades, have stalked, exploited, and betrayed him (usually, for political ideas and beer money).

After several attempts at blackmail, Doubletake finally conceded to Gore’s request for an interview (when Gore began mentioning “FACTS,” a jargon of truth with no frame of reference in our tiny galaxy of the blogosphere, we gave in to his demands).

Here are some excerpts, highlighting Gore’s reactions:

Tommy Lee Jones

“For the first couple years at Harvard, I worked hard, studied philosophy, theology, etc. I’d always heard about–and heard–Tommy Lee: he lived down the hall from me and John Lithgow. Let’s see…Tommy…mostly I remember screaming, a smell of burning flesh, and riots in the quad every night. That might have been after he moved into our dorm room. Or that might have during Nam. I can’t really tell the difference.”

Bill Clinton

“When Bill first contacted me back in ’92 about splitting the White House with him, I was totally blown over. Until I realized, halfway through the second term, that Tommy Lee had set it all up, telling Bill that I was a ‘total pushover’ for all-night enter-intern office parties. I had no idea what I was getting into…by the time ’98 rolled around, I didn’t want to have anything to do with the Oral Office.”

Richard Branson

“He showed up at one of our press screenings of The Inconvenient Truth in London. As soon as it let out, Branson found me in the lobby, signing autographs. He asked me if I’d be his Virgin roommate. I called security immediately.

He started running around, screaming, ‘A million dollars! I’ll give the first person who can suck all the carbon dioxide out of this room a million dollars!’ The crowd dispersed. I think he won that competition.”





NASA Officials “Totally Caught Off-Guard” by Nowak Plot

8 02 2007

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Described by fellow astronauts as “mild-mannered and discreet,” Cpt. Lisa Nowak exemplified NASA decorum.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL.: Having been charged with kidnapping, attempted murder, and battery, Captain Lisa Nowak would seem to set a new landmark for astronauts, an elite class of emotionally stable individuals who enjoy long absences from other people in the deep recesses of the cosmic void.

NASA officials admit to being “totally caught off-guard” by Nowak’s secret plot to abduct and murder Colleen Shipman, an apparent romantic rival for Bill Oefelein (a fellow astronaut both women met at an NRA rally).

“She was always very quiet, diligent, mild-mannered, and discreet,” Mr. Oefelein said, “she never once flinched at the target range. She could lock and load an AK-47 in less than nine seconds…and she was a pretty good astronaut, too.”

NASA has maintained a rigorous program of psychiatric testing to screen applicants for the space program. However, officials do not recall anything striking about Nowak’s behavior or habits. Dr. Felix Libidinalsky, head of the National Institute of Professional PsyhiatrY (NIPPY), administered several of her tests, and admired the results: “she had the perfect disposition: quiet, deliberate, emotionally detached, and capable of traveling extensive distances without a single bathroom break.”

 

When asked to describe the following inkblot, all responses seem relatively tame: a majority of astronauts saw “two foreign nations joined in peaceful exploration”; likewise, Cpt. Nowak discerned “two praying mantises competing for the severed head of a male.”

“She once held it for 500 miles during a round-trip journey to the International Space Station,” Libidinalsky continued, “in order to meet a Russian cosmonaut, Sergei Ivanovich, before the Canadians arrived.”

Texas law enforcement officials, unfortunately, failed to connect Nowak’s mission in space to her mission on earth. But Bill Oefelein, who has seen Texas from outer space, admits that the two are very similar: “there’s this massive, timeless void where you pretty much can get away with anything. Space: the final frontier.”