Erectile Dysfunction Linked to Frustration

21 05 2008

Scientists have now confirmed that Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.) is linked, perversely proportionally, to symptoms of sexual frustration.

The test subjects, only one of whom could be reached for comment, allegedly admitted that E.D. “had let me down at a crucial moment. Sh*t--After the flesh I lost, they should call that f***er E.D. Amin.”

The scientists, who have successfully linked ED to all kinds of diseases and disorders (including lymphoma and pole-straddling), had not yet considered a relation to either frustration experienced during sexual activity or to the deceased cannibalistic Ugandan dictator.

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Terrorists Expose Themselves to Americans

16 02 2008

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In a dramatic, tour-de-force reversal, Terrorists™ exposed themselves to Americans this past Saturday in Long Beach, CA. Shucking their Islamo-fascist uniforms, the diabolical extremists turned their backsides on freedom, then absconded to a nudist colony/cell.

Americans, who have exposed themselves to terrorism on numerous occassions, never expected that the terrorists would strike back.





Commuter Regrets Taking Suppository at Inopportune Time

8 07 2007

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Starbucks Unveils Cure to Constipation

10 06 2007

Health experts have recently discovered that dark, thick coffee provides relief from gout, liver cancer, and tuberculosis–three of the most deadly diseases of the late 19th century. Capitalizing on these health benefits, Starbucks has now unveiled “The Procto-cino,” a concoction so potent in fiber that it cures constipation within 30 minutes or less.

Starbucks’ Procto-cino provides not one, not two, but THREE scoops o’ colon-cleansin’ beans in every cup.





White House Spokesman Denies Sexual Implications of Iraqi Pull-out

12 05 2007

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In recent weeks, the Bush administration has been accused of lathering and lubing their pro-war rhetoric with various references to sex. However, during a White House press conference on Friday, spokesman Tony Snow denied these allegations:

“There is absolutely no validity to these claims,” he said, “we have made every effort to penetrate as deeply as possible into the oil-rich wells of the terrorist motherland. Having intimidated our own allies with long-range ballistic missiles capable of busting bunkers with extraordinary delicacy and precision, it seems absurd that we have somehow resorted to carnal doublespeak.”

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Iranian missiles, in various states of moderate arousal, still have yet to measure up to America’s rising stature.

Mr. Snow excused himself, went to the bathroom for 10 minutes, then returned to the conference:

“Let me emphasize again that we can more-than-rise to our stiff competitors. In fact, our hard-driving surge has moved us right into the red zone. Believe me, no one is going to pull out until the emission is accomplished.”






Prince Harry Deployed Just in Time For British Withdrawal

25 02 2007

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Prince Harry checks his rear-view mirror for an exit strategy.

He has been deployed at one of the most significant points in the Iraq War. A symbolic figurehead in a symbolic empire, Prince Harry (who, in recent years, has adopted a Shakespearean alias, “Prince Hal”) has proudly volunteered to lead his people neither to victory nor defeat…but to withdrawal from Iraq.

“Hal has always been non-committal when it comes to serious decisions in his life,” royal spokesman Nigel Hathorne-Dippinger claims, “relationships, University, wearing inappropriate Nazi regalia at Halloween parties…he’s never been content to think things through but always determined to pull out of a bad situation. So, naturally, this War was a perfect fit for him: a war effort…minus the effort.”