Palin Congratulates President Elect From the Country of Africa

8 11 2008

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After church, Palin’s family posed for this picture, on the Alaskan coastline. Palin would later identify Libya in the background.

After two months of arduous campaigning–the My-Fair-Lady-coaching, the six-figure wardrobing, the Katie-Couric-catfight-to-end-all-catfights, etc.–Sarah Palin finally joined John McCain in conceding their party’s nomination to President Elect Barack Obama.

Returning to her office in Anchorage with several McC-aides, the state governor stood in front of a bay window that offered a breathtaking view of the shores of Tripoli, then sighed. “Y’know, I think this may be a historic moment for the North African Free Trade Agreement.” (An aide tried to correct her, but she roguely slapped him across the face). “Their country has never appointed a President, so we should welcome Obama to this continent with open arms.”

Palin’s comments puzzled reporters, who sought to broach the topic of foreign relations with her. She stood on the other side of her governor’s desk, flipping through a magazine. There were eight children in the room, some crawling, others drooling. One was named after a snowmobile company.

A reporter politely asked her what she was reading, and, unable to muster a reply, she started to cry. “If Todd were here” (her husband was out seal-clubbing) “he would tell you what a strain this has been on our family…not to mention our nation. Between Russia rearing its head in our airspace and Africa popping up on our border, foreign relations have become impossible around here.” Noticing the stunned look on reporters’ faces, Gov. Palin pulled down a screen-map of the Bering Strait. “Now do you see? Africa has moved into our sea space!” she cried, her voice reaching a frantic pitch. She began to babble, then speak in tongues.

This reporter, for one, hightailed it out of there. You betcha.

berring-strait21





Fist-Bump Craze: Catchy but Deadly

10 06 2008

“A fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab? … We’ll show you some interesting body communication and find out what it really says.”

–E.D. Hill, Fox News (30 seconds before consulting Fox’s renowned “body language expert”)

Terrofist: bumping

Hilary’s West Virginian White Voters, Beware!

F-B, baby.

Fisting America Since 2000

You need a bump? Say hello to my leetle feest-bump!





Terrorists Expose Themselves to Americans

16 02 2008

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In a dramatic, tour-de-force reversal, Terrorists™ exposed themselves to Americans this past Saturday in Long Beach, CA. Shucking their Islamo-fascist uniforms, the diabolical extremists turned their backsides on freedom, then absconded to a nudist colony/cell.

Americans, who have exposed themselves to terrorism on numerous occassions, never expected that the terrorists would strike back.





French Arrest 3 in Terrorist Mime Plot

6 09 2007

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PARIS: Sept. 5-The French police have arrested three mimes suspected of organizing large-scale terrorist attacks against several outdoor cafes frequented by American tourists. Those arrested were allegedly in the process of plotting bomb attacks using a series of elaborate hand gestures, sly bodily contortions, and suggestive facial expressions.

“They were directly involved in planning out a full-scale attack,” French federal prosecutor Etienne Legrand-Douche claimed at a news conference. “For six months, we tracked them down, from one secret terrorist cell to another.” Legrand-Douche admits that the suspects were especially adept at eluding authorities by “walking against the wind” and hiding in a series of imaginary enclosed boxes.

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A Mime, linked to Al Queda, plots revenge on our God-given freedoms

Eventually, however, they trailed the mimes to an invisible safe house at the Place de la Montmartre—an ideal hiding spot for bohemian performance artists. It was there that the French police discovered a troupe of mimes gesticulating in a manner “consistent with a cauldron filled with toxic chemicals.”

“Had the mimes continued to gesticulate,” Legrand-Douche asserts, “there is no telling how terrible this attack might have been.”





Bush Deploys “A-Team”

4 09 2007

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Yesterday’s visit was the president’s third to Iraq, but the importance he attached to it was underlined by the seniority of his entourage. “I brought out the A-team,” Mr Bush joked to the marines.

–Suzanne Goldenberg, “The Guardian” (Sept. 4)

Thirty-five years ago, in 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to Guantammo Prison by a military tribunal for a crime they didn’t commit: extreme rendition. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade and traveled (by raft) back into America. Today, still wanted by the government, they have been hired as soldiers of fortune (with no-bid contracts). If you have a problem, one that requires corporate-sponsored paramilitary operations, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…the A Team.

A-TEAM





Terrorists Lay Down All Arms Until Timetable Set

2 06 2007

In a landmark decision, a broad coalition of insurgent groups in the Middle East has agreed to lay down all arms against any–and all–enemies until American lawmakers set a fixed timetable for troop withdrawal. As soon as such a date has been clearly determined, terrorists will resume attacks on occupying forces in an organized, efficient manner.

Confirming the President’s predictions, this broad coalition of Sunni, Shiite, Kurdish, Iranian, and Al Qaidish militant factions, has renounced all forms of violence, including suicide bombings, IED’s, artillery fire, and booby traps.

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Formerly incapable of organizing, terrorists now exhibit remarkable communication and gathering skills.

Naji Rashid, a registered terrorist, cites practical reasons for the change: “I’m a 9-to-5 guy. When somebody says, ‘Naji: blow up this bridge,’ I have to clear my schedule first, cancel appointments, drop the kids off at school…without a clear idea of exactly when American forces pull out of here, believe me: I’m not bombing anyone.”

Critics claim that elaborate planning would only ruin the element of surprise, that certain “je ne sais quoi” that lends terrorism its frightening appeal. “Not so,” Rashid claims, “I have full health, 401K. Two more years and I’m vested in this organization. You think I’m going to exchange that for rampant destruction and chaos?”





White House Spokesman Denies Sexual Implications of Iraqi Pull-out

12 05 2007

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In recent weeks, the Bush administration has been accused of lathering and lubing their pro-war rhetoric with various references to sex. However, during a White House press conference on Friday, spokesman Tony Snow denied these allegations:

“There is absolutely no validity to these claims,” he said, “we have made every effort to penetrate as deeply as possible into the oil-rich wells of the terrorist motherland. Having intimidated our own allies with long-range ballistic missiles capable of busting bunkers with extraordinary delicacy and precision, it seems absurd that we have somehow resorted to carnal doublespeak.”

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Iranian missiles, in various states of moderate arousal, still have yet to measure up to America’s rising stature.

Mr. Snow excused himself, went to the bathroom for 10 minutes, then returned to the conference:

“Let me emphasize again that we can more-than-rise to our stiff competitors. In fact, our hard-driving surge has moved us right into the red zone. Believe me, no one is going to pull out until the emission is accomplished.”