District Mime:

21 08 2009

DIST9_TSR_1SHT_3





Area White Man Foiled by Muse of Dance, Again

6 02 2009

Wilt Brindleson, tireless efforts and chipper demeanor notwithstanding, simply has no rhythm.





Survivor Claims In-Flight Service “Totally Sucked Ass”

16 01 2009

usairwaysritz

Yesterday, every passenger and crew member on board U.S. Airways Flight 1549 was rescued and returned home in healthy condition…except Paul Witherstone, who found the in-flight meal “soggy as a six-month old’s diaper. It totally sucked ass.”

After ferries escorted him back to shore, Mr. Witherstone joined other survivors at the Ritz Carlton in mid-town Manhattan–all expenses paid by US Air. Relaxing in the lounge, he only picked at his foie gras and ogled the haricots verts.

“It’s the least they can do,” he sighed “especially after that godawful tugboat ride to the hellhole those grubby rescue workers took me to,” he said, “shelter food? Are you kidding me? After that airline service?”





Rod Blagojevich Offers To Sell Bleeping Governor’s Seat

12 12 2008

rod11

Responding to recent allegations that he offered to sell President-elect Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat to the highest bidder, Blagojevich responded by upping the ante and offered to throw in his own soon-to-be-vacated Governor’s Seat. No one, however, has stepped forward yet to make him an offer.

“It’s a bleeping valuable thing! You just don’t give it away for nothing…you gotta pay to play. It’s bleeping mahogany.”





Putin Denies Yanking North Korean Diplomat’s Red Belt

14 09 2008





Sequel Fails to Ressurect Bernie…and Andrew McCarthy’s Career

2 08 2008






McCain Kills McAbel

26 07 2008

McCain (left) gave McAbel (right) the smote-down of his life this past Friday. Prior to the all-day no-holds-barred wrestling match, McCain is rumored to have heard a loud voice proclaim: “Yea, I sayeth unto you: do not layeth the smote-down on your brother…at least not without invoking executive privilege first.”